Christmas Eve 2005

I am back to the present now and I really had no intentions of posting anything on this day, that is, until I talked to Jeff this evening.

My day on this Christmas Eve was going to be a fairly busy, one where I would be preparing some things to take to Rad's house for Christmas dinner. Yes, he is cooking, as he always has done with his daughters, and as I had done with my sons in the past. Now we would be combining our families to one. He is doing most of the cooking since I am still on medical leave and can't handle doing it all.How lucky am I to find a man that loves me and can cook! My thoughts today as I was cutting up the onions and celery for the stuffing, was in the future because next year Rad and I will be living together.

As I was chopping away I decided to put on some music. The other day I came across a tape, the "Eric Clapton Unplugged" and I decided to play it, as it is a favorite of mine. I knew the risk of playing it, as I will explain, but I went ahead. I was enjoying the music and then "Tears In Heaven" started. The emotions that I had been holding back,came out. You see, when deciding what music to play at the funeral service for Paul, I chose "Tears In Heaven". Today,I was listening, but picturing Paul lying in the casket. This is a memory I try to avoid.

Families should be together during the holidays and when one is missing, it is so very hard. My thoughts turned to Paul and how I longed for him to be back with us again. I thought of holidays we had celebrated and was saddened that it can no longer be.

After reflecting on the past, I listened to the rest of the tape and then put on some blues by Etta James and got back to my tasks.

During the course of the day I spoke with Jeff on several occasions to discuss many things like what time he was picking me up on Christmas Day to take me to Rad's and what time we are to be at my sister's house on Monday to celebrate with her and her family. At one point, he kept calling we would talk and then he'd call back. Each time he called I put the music on pause after I answered and he commented on how I was really jamming! I laughed and then decided not to tell him of my thoughts of Paul. He told me of his plans for the evening, spending it with his friend Richie. I did mention too bad I wasn't going to see him but then I sluffed it off, telling him I'd see him tomorrow anyway.

A little before 9 P.M. I was on the couch, with a cup of tea and engrossed in the book I am reading when Jeff called. He really took me by surprise and I asked him if all was ok and he said he felt sad knowing that I was home alone. He also said that he could not stop thinking of Paul and me. He said that he could not have a good time with these thoughts and he needed to talk to me. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but held back. I told him that I had been thinking of Paul too. Then I told him that he needed to get back to his friends and have a good time, that I was fine here with my book and tea. I then told him he was the best son and that I loved him very much and now go have fun.

When we hung up, I let the tears fall and then I thanked God for giving me such a wonderful and loving son. Then I thanked Him for giving me two sons to love.

So I am not alone on this Christmas Eve, my sons are with me always in heart and mind.

Remembrance Book

Every year, around the world, our children are remembered in a candlelight service started by The Compassionate Friends. This occurs in December at 7 P.M. local times. TCF chapters prepare a program that you can attend or you can light a candle at home. The purpose is to have a continuous light. The theme is that "Their Light May Always Shine". On their web site there is also a Remembrance Book. In this book anyone can write a message to a loved one that has "Gone Too Soon". This book can also be viewed. There is a chat room available also. I wrote a message to Paul and in addition, read the heartbreaking messages from mothers, fathers, siblings, and friends. There were three verses that particularly seem poignant to me that I would like to share.

First:

The tide recedes,
But leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down
But gentle warmth,
Still lingers on the land.
The music stops
And yet it echoes on
In sweet refrains...
For every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains.


Second:

"And can it be that in a world
So full and busy
The loss of one creature
Makes a void in any heart
So wide and deep
That nothing but
Width and depth of eternity
Can fill it up!"
-DICKENS

And lastly:

THE MEMORIES WILL LET YOUR SOUL LIVE, YOUR SPIRIT WILL FLY.

My Journey Home and how it began

As planned, I went back to Chicago and spent Christmas with my family. This is now my second year without Paul. I did put up a tree, but a small one. There were a lot of reasons to put one up, one being the precious memories that were contained in the boxes of Christmas decorations and ornaments. Especially the homemade ornaments from when the boys were young. They were bittersweet memories, but memories that I wanted to recall. I must add that Rhonda helped me to decorate and we laughed and had a good time. She said it was good to hear me laugh and be my old self again. She still did not realize that I would never be the same. Our friendship was becoming strained, she would, and had, made comments that bordered on the fact that she thought I should move on. How could she understand, she did not have a child of her own and would never know the bond and love for a child. Some people had even made comments that I should let him go!!! So insensitive.

In January, and back to the everday routines of work and home, I found myself yearning to go back to Chicago. I felt it was where I needed to be. Everywhere I went there were reminders of Paul, not that I needed them, he was always on my mind. From the day he died and till today he is always with me. I would drive down I24 and it would remind me of the day I found him, the frantic drive and my fearful thoughts of what I would find. Everyday, going to work I would drive past where Paul worked and the first little place he lived in. The worst was when I drove past the mobile home he lived and died in. Southern Illinois was supposed to be a new beginning for me, friendships were gone, the charm was gone. All that was left was intense grief.

It was then that I decided to sell my house. In addition, I was able to put in a transfer at the casino I worked at for one up north. On September 1st 2001, I came back home!

Thanksgiving 2000

The time is now one month after surgey and I am still on medical leave. It is Thanksgiving Day and plans were made to spend it with my friends Rhonda,Bud and his family. We had a good time but I missed my family. Early Friday morning I was talking with Jeff's wife, Dawn, (now ex) and she talked of how they were going to my niece's house that evening to celebrate Rosie's birthday (my great niece). I felt so bad that I would not be with my family and it was at that point I wondered if I could just drive home. I called my doctor and asked if I was at a point in recovery where I could drive 350 miles. He said yes, but take it easy and make a lot of stops. I said I would, but knew I would not!! I was used to driving home straight through with usually one stop where I would take a bathroom break, gas up the car and grab something at McDonalds. A little surgery was not going to slow me down. I called Dawn to let her know I was coming but we would make it a surprise. I called my neighbors Bob & Gladys to let them know, they would keep an eye on my house along with Ruth, my other neighbor, who took care of my cats. I packed lightly and left.

At around 7PM, I showed up at Jackie's house (my niece), at the same time as Jeff. He walked in first and then me, the look on my family's face was priceless!! They were so surprised to see me. Of course it was a great evening and I was so happy to be with my family. I stayed for a few days and then headed back home, knowing that I would be back for Christmas.

Note: my reference to two homes!!!! one in Southern Illinois and one in Chicago!!

Back to my personal story

I really got sidetracked since last April with entries from Compassionate Friends and other verses. My hope, for anyone that might read this, is to know that they are not alone.

Going back into my blog in April, I wrote how I was looking for answers on Paul's death, coming to terms that there was nothing "wrong" with me, and of lost friends. I do want to add a little about the "friends" and that is "you can't truly lose what you never had".

In September of 2000 my sister Rose, devoting herself to keeping me busy, thought it would be fun for us to meet halfway in Arcola, Illinois and go antiquing and check out specialty shops. We also stayed overnight in a B&B, such a treat.The day before I had a medical test done and she constantly showed her concern, asking me if I was feeling ok! We had a great time, she helped me to get back on the road of living again.

On the one year anniversary date of Paul's death I was unable to go to the cemetery. I came home from the hospital after having a hysterectomy on that very day. I felt so bad that I could not go, but in retrospect, perhaps it was the best. Later I came to realize, especially after moving away, that going to the cemetery in the fall or on the anniversary date is so very hard. It brings me back to 1999 when it all happened. Being at the cemetery, looking at his grave and headstone, hearing the leaves fall, the sky being so gray, and the feeling of being so cold. They were stark reminders that he was truly gone.

Rose came down from Chicago to take care of me while recuperating from surgery. She cooked, cleaned, we drove to town, and we watched a ton of movies. We rented every movie we missed, and watched good ones over again. She stayed for one week and made my healing easier. Yes, healing, both my body and my mind.

Your Compassionate Friend

This is from my local chapter TCF newsletter:

I can tell by that look friend, that we need to talk.
So come take my hand and let's go for a walk.
See, I'm not like the others - I won't shy away,
Because I want to hear what you've got to say.

Your child has died and you need to be heard,
But they don't want to hear a single word.
They say your child's with God, so be strong,
They say all the "right" things that somehow seem wrong.

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile,
I'll wait while you cry and be glad if you smile.
I won't criticize you or judge you or scorn,
I'll just stay and listen 'til night turns to morn.

Yes, the journey is hard and unbearably long.
And I know that you think that you're not quite that strong,
So just take my hand 'cause I've time to spare,
And I know how it hurts, friend, for I have been there.

See, I owe a debt you can help me repay,
For not long ago, I was helped the same way.
And I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal,
So believe when I say that I know how you feel.

I don't look for praise or financial gain,
And I'm sure not the kind who gets joy out of pain,
I'm just a strong shoulder who'll be here 'til the end-
I'll be your Compassionate Friend.

-Steven L. Channing TCF of Winnipeg, Canada

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PAUL

PRECIOUS CHILD

Words by Karen Taylor-Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then


In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

(This song was written by Karen Taylor-Good in memory of her nephew. It is a song that is played at meetings at Compassionate Friends. You can hear it by going to www.compassionatefriends.org click on chapter websites, go to the state of Kentucky, and click on the Bluegrass Chapter, and lastly find it on the home page and click on "precious Child". Be prepared to shed tears).

REMEMBERING PAUL

Today it is six years ago that Paul died. His death certificate says October 28, 1999 because that is the day I found him. The next few days hold memories no parent should ever have, but unfortunately, life holds such tragedy. I will try to concentrate on the good times but it is hard not to remember the terrible days that I had to face.

Paul, you are always in my heart, you are always with me. I love you and miss you so much.

The Ron Santo Walk for a Cure for Diabetes

For the past month or so I have been drafting letters and emails to friends and family to support me in the Ron Santo Walk. The funds go to The Juvenile Research Foundation or JDRF. I stated in my letter that diabetes is a devastating disease that affects millions of people--a large number of them are children. JDRF set a goal of $86 million for research. WE NEED A CURE!!

Today, I was joined by my son Jeff, my sweetheart Rad, and my two awesome friends, Barbara and Michael. Together we walked at the Lisle location. It was so heartwarming to see all the people that turned out in support. Many of the walkers were children and many of those children are diabetics wanting a chance at living a normal life. WE NEED A CURE!!

Today, we walked in memory of Paul and in hope for a cure for my niece Jill. My niece has faced the challenges of diabetes since she was 11 years old. She is on dialysis, has hypertension along with other medical conditions. She had a stroke this year and now she has to face the possibility of losing a leg. No one should have to face so many challenges in life. WE NEED A CURE!!!

At the walk site today I was able to turn in my collections which totalled $1,400.00. I am very pleased that I am able to do my part in raising dollars and I pray that a cure for diabetes is close at hand. It is too late for my son Paul, but not for the millions that are devastated by this disease and not too late for Jill.
WE NEED A CURE!!!

I am not finished raising money. I have more donations that are coming in and I hope I can exceed my goal of $2,000.00. If anyone should read this, you can see my personal web page, just copy and paste on the link below and while you are there go ahead and give a little or a lot!! WE NEED A CURE
MY deepest thanks to all who have given in support in the fight to find a cure.

Karen

My Brief Rainbow

In September 2002, "My Brief Rainbow" was sent to me from The Compassionate Friends at the West Kentucky "Forget-Me-Not Chapter. It was sent on Paul's birthday.

Today is Paul's birthday. It is an emotional and difficult time. I brought this subject up once at a TCF meeting and everyone agrees that is the case. We also find that the days leading to our child's birthday or anniversary date is more difficult than the actual day itself.

Last year me and Rad, Paul's Godmother, Susie, her husband Greg, all went out for dinner and we celebrated Paul's birthday. Tonight we are going to do the same. I am hoping that Jeff can join us too.

I am thankful that I have the love of friends and family to support me on this day. I am also thankful for Rad's love which has helped me to get through the difficult times. Today I post "My Brief Rainbow" in Loving Remembrance of



Paul Scott Whitney




My Brief Rainbow


Rainbows appear only on dreary rainy days.
They beautify the world for a few brief moments.
These moments, however, can be spectacular.
You were my brief rainbow.

You entered my life
And stayed for but a short while.
Nonetheless, the memories of those moments
When you blessed us with laughter and delight.

Joy and smiles, charm and beauty.
Gaiety and happiness.
Mischief and silliness, sunlight and moonbeams
Giggles and love (ad infinitum)….

Made the deluge, the tears of pain and anger.
Helplessness and fear, insanity and agony.
Sadness and heartbreak, emptiness and loneliness
Bearable.

Rainbows however brief
Make the world a brighter, lovelier place.
How grateful I am that I had you.
My brief rainbow.



By Peggy Kocision
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Why Butterflies?

Butterflies are the symbol for The Compassionate Friends

When we went to visit the cemetery where Paul is buried, there were many butterflies on the flowers next to his headstone. It was a beautiful sight to behold and eased the sadness and reality of why we were there.

The piece below was from an article I found.

Since early times, the butterfly has symbolized renewed life. The caterpillar signifies life here on earth; the cocoon, death, and the butterfly, the emergence of the dead into a new, beautiful and freer existence. Frequently, the butterfly is seen with the word "Nika", which means victory. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross movingly tells of seeing butterflies drawn all over the walls of the children's dormitories in the World War II concentration camps. Since Elisabeth believes in the innate intuitiveness of children, she concludes that these children knew their fate and were leaving us a message. Many members of the Compassionate Friends embrace the butterfly as a symbol and a sign of hope to them that their children are living in another dimension with greater beauty and freedom which is a comforting thought to many.

The Sun's Rays

Jeff had read or heard somewhere that when you see the sun's rays in the sky, that those rays are the souls of the departed ascending into heaven. Such a comforting thought.

Quotes and Verses from the South Suburban Chapter of TCF Newsletter

If their song is to continue, we must do the singing.

Memories help keep close to us the times that mean the most to us.

Grief and pain are the price we humans have to pay for the love and total commitment we have for another person. The more we love, the more we are hurt when we lose the object of our love. But if we are honest with ourselves, would we have it any other way?

SOMETIMES

Sometimes something clicks,
And with a tear
Rememberance of the pain
And the loneliness
Flood the heart.

Sometimes something clicks,
And with a smile
Rememberance of the love
And the laughter
Flood the senses.

And there are times
When nothing clicks at all,
and a voice echoes
Through the emptimess
And numbness
Never finding the person
Who used to fill that space.

And sometimes
The most special time of all,
A feeling ripples through your
Body, heart and soul
That tells you
That person never left you,
And he's right there with you
Through it all.


--Kristen Hansen,
TCF, Kentfield, CA

Mementos.......We Save The Craziest Things!!!!!

One topic I remember having at a TCF (The Compassionate Friends) meeting took me by surprise.I'm not even sure how it got started but it escalated with parents chiming in saying they thought that they were the only ones who were crazy. We thought we were crazy because we saved the strangest things that belonged to our child, grandchild or sibling that had passed away. For example in my case, these are the items I have saved that are Paul's:

1. A 2 liter bottle of diet Dr. Pepper.
2. A roll of garbage bags.
3. A package of wax paper.
4. A coffee cup filled with loose change.
5. His checkbook and cancelled checks.
6. An Amtrak train ticket.
7. His name tag from work.
8. A fanny pack where he kept his diabetic supplies.


There is lots of things of Paul's I cannot part with which are too numerous to mention, there are two of his jackets I can't part, with along with all his baseball caps. Some of the caps I gave to his best friends and one I keep on my antique hall tree, the rest are in a box. Speaking of boxes he had one that he wrote on that said "Don't touch, might explode" and he wrote his call letters, PSW 9368 (he was a wanna be disc jockey). He had saved a very small pillow from his childhood which now I am saving. My other son has Paul's collection of baseball cards, along with countless CD's, his baseball glove when he played little league, his wallet and drivers license.

My point in sharing this, is to let anyone who has lost a loved one, know that you are not crazy, abnormal or obsessed. You are a parent, grandparent or sibling who is clinging to "things" that hold precious memories of your loved one. With that in mind you must remember TCF's motto:

Remember: "We Need not Walk Alone"

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.


If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.


If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.


If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.


If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.


For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.


There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"


But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.


Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.


So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,


That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.


So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear


Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

Eskimo Legend

I had to go to a Hallmark store to buy a sympathy card. I, unfortunately, became an "expert" on what I considered a card should express. In my opinion a card should have a sincere and appropriate sentiment. I liked this card so much, that I bought it for myself!!

Perhaps they are not the stars,
but rather openings in Heaven
Where the love of our lost ones
pour through
And shines down upon us,
to let us know they are happy.

The Compassionate Friends

About nine months after Paul died someone told me about Compassionate Friends.

Briefly, the organization began in 1969 in Coventry, England by two couples whose paths had crossed at the hospital where their sons had died. They found comfort in sharing their grief and were joined by the hospital Chaplin. From there the word spread and chapters began. In 1978, word of the organization spread rapidly through interest generated by the Phil Donahue Show and the columns of Dear Abby and Ann Landers. Everything you need to know about TCF can be found in their web site in which I have a link.


TCF was a lifesaver for me; I was no longer alone in my feelings. I found out that I wasn't crazy. In those meetings we would cry, we would laugh, we could even finish each others sentences. We would nod our head in agreement, we would support, and our tears were shared, we felt each other’s pain. We remembered out children together at balloon lifts, where we placed a message to our child and sent them off to heaven. We remember our children at the candle lighting ceremony, which take place each December. This year in Boston on July 3rd there will be a "Walk to Remember" and the volunteers will carry the names of children that have died too soon. You can add a name on the web site, I did. Along with Paul I entered the names of Mary Margaret Bradford, my dearest friend Barbara's, niece. I added Scott Craumbaugh, Jeff's boyhood friend and Christopher Michael who we will never forget.

The Compassionate Friends helped me to begin my journey of healing and I will forever be grateful for their help.

If you should check it out go to the link that shows the states that have a website, my personal favorite is from Kentucky. There they have music, which is played at some meetings. The one that is played most often is called "Precious Child". It will bring tears of sadness but the words express the true feelings of a bereaved parent.


June 17,2005

The following is information I received in an e-newsletter today from Compassionate Friends:

Bereavement Packets Available

---------------



Did you know that the National Office is happy to send an individually customized packet of bereavement materials to professionals and family members seeking help with grief following the death of a child? Last year the National Office sent out more than 30,000 customized packets. If you or someone you know has experienced the death of a child, sibling, or grandchild, and would benefit from receiving information, please call the TCF National Office toll-free at 877-969-0010. There is no charge. You may also call the same number for referral information to the nearest TCF chapter.

My Last Mother's Day Card from Paul

"When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure"










I love you Paul and miss you with all my heart.
Love,
Mom

Looking for answers

I mentioned that I was looking for answers on Paul's care by his doctor. I tried to get Paul's medical records and couldn't without going to a lawyer. In fact, I did see one and he passed me on to some other lawyer. It was too much for me to deal with alone so I simply gave up. One, because I was afraid of what I'd find out, and two, even if I possibly had recourse, nothing would bring my son back to me.

I later found out that it is not uncommon not to check for heart disease, if there are no symptoms. If Paul had them he did not share it with me or his friends.

I was disturbed to find out that Paul told his best friend, Jeff Klotz, that Paul felt that he would be lucky if he made to be 35. I don't know why Paul would say that, if it was a premonition or he knew something that he chose not to share. I will never know.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Sometime in June (this is 8 months after Paul died) I thought even though I had the autopsy report and found out that Paul had heart disease I had questions why this wasn't noticed by his doctor. Paul was going to a clinic and I was worried that perhaps they weren't thorough enough; this clinc was free for those who were employed and unable to afford health insurance. I talked to my doctor, who had once helped Paul. I wanted to know if they should have been looking for heart disease and he said not necessarily. While I was asking these questions I could not stop crying and my doctor asked me if I did a lot of crying. I was taken back by this question, of course I was, my son died. He then proceeded to write a script for Zoloft and said perhaps I needed counseling. I went through a program at work and scheduled an appointment with a counsler.

I was apprehensive about taking Zoloft, but I thought perhaps it would help me. I stayed on the drug for one week and I hated it. I felt absolutely nothing while taking it, I didn't cry but then I didn't laugh either, I was numb and felt nothing. Although the instructions said not to stop taking the drug without checking with the doctor, I stopped taking it. As for the counseling that was a joke, all she could concentrate on was that I was having a couple of beers every day and she labeled me an alcoholic.


What is wrong me? The doctor says I am depressed, the counselor says I am an alcoholic.I knew they were wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it, later I did. I was misdiagnosed....... I came to the conclusion that.... I was grieving. My child died, there is nothing wrong with me.

It is very important to know that there is no right or wrong was to grieve, there is no time limit on when you should "get better". More important, you are not crazy.You cannot compare yourself to others. You heal at your own pace. You can learn from others especially at Compassionate Friends on how to do this.

You must learn to be "Gentle with yourself".

Inappropriate Remarks

A mother who lost her child wrote a list to the late Ann Landers about hurtful and insensitive remarks that are encountered by the bereaved. I'd like to pass this list on here in my blog.

PLEASE-- don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be "over it".
PLEASE-- don't tell me he is in a better place.
He isn't here.
PLEASE-- don't say at least he isn't suffering
I haven't come to terms with why he had to
suffer at all.
PLEASE-- don't tell me you know how I feel,
unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE-- don't tell me to get on with my life
I'm still here I noticed.
PLEASE-- don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up"
PLEASE-- don't tell me God never makes a mistake.
You mean he did this to me on purpose?
PLEASE-- don't tell me at least you had him for
31 years. What year you would you choose for your
child to die.
PLEASE-- don't tell me God never gives you more
than you can bear. Who decides how much another
person can bear?

PLEASE-- just say you are sorry.
PLEASE-- just remember him if you do.
PLEASE-- just let me talk if I want to.
PLEASE-- just let me cry when I must.

I want to add two of "my own" remarks that I find insensitive.

ONE-- don't ask me "what was his name?".
his name didn't die with him, he had a life
and his name and his memory will always remain.

TWO-- dont tell me that I "must let him go"
You can eventually find peace, but you never
let go. Your child is a part of you.

One more thing, this next remark isn't inappropriate but relates to what a bereaved parent experiences. People have often said " I don't know how you do it" I think most bereaved parents would answer that we don't know either. We don't have a choice, we take each day one at a time.

Losing Friendships

After the death of a loved one you find out who are your friends and who are not. Sometimes this happens right away, and sometimes it takes a few months, even a year and more, but it happens. I know because it happened to me.

I do want to say that I value, appreciate, and love my dear friends who have been at my side. They are the old friends who knew and loved Paul, and the new ones who never had the chance to meet him. You know who you are.

To those that could not wait for me to "get better" or chose not to stay by my side, we could not have lost a friendship because there wasn't one to lose. This next verse is for you.

No Greater Pain

I know you mean well but you don't understand
There are no words to explain .......
Although on the surface I may appear fine,
Remember, I buried a child of mine
And there is no greater pain.

Grief is a taboo in our civilized world,
I despise this hideous game.
I must smile while going insane.
For God's sake, a part of me died,
You can't imagine how often I've cried
And there is no greater pain.

If I look well or laugh when you joke,
You think I'm my old self again
I'm raw inside, a shell of me,
The woman you knew can no longer be ...
And there is no greater pain.

Look deep in my eyes, acknowledge my loss
As my heart beats its hollow refrain.
I'm caught in a web of infinite whys
I'll mourn, for my son 'till the rest of me dies
And there is no greater pain.

Mother's Day

Oh, how I hated seeing all the advertisements on television and at the stores reminding us that Mother's Day was approaching. I'd turn off the TV, I'd look the other way. Why oh why did there have to be constant reminders that Mother's Day was going to be here, but Paul was not. This isn't a celebration, this is a time to mourn. Yes, I have another son and he means the world to me but my world was not complete my other son was gone.

It was a difficult day to get through then and will be again on May 8th of this year. I will do as I always do, first to think of Paul,read the last beautiful card that he gave me and then I will spend the rest of the day with Jeff and Rad (he is the wonderful man that came into my life last year, more about him later).

I have learned, especially in that first year, that the anticipation of a holiday, birthday, or any other important date is actually worse than the day itself. I believe that this is an important observation for a bereaved parents preservation. I learned this with help from another bereaved parent from Compassionate Friends. I will explain more about Compassionate Friends later but there is a link to it in this blog.

The Sweetest Angel

I would be remiss in not mentioning a poem written for me and in memory of Paul by a friend of his. Her name is Melody Holt and she lives in Metropolis. She wrote this soon after he died.

"The Sweetest Angel"

In the midst of all your pain and fears,
God will come to wipe away your tears.
And when your heart's lonely and downcast,
God will comfort you, He won't let it last.
In this painful loss,
Look at Jesus cross,
Remember he's not gone forever,
Someday we'll all be together.
Just think, Heaven is better now,
They have the sweetest Angel ever found.
And now, when you feel all alone, and like no one cares,
Please remember, you're in my thoughts,
and all of my prayers.

The Autopsy

One week before Christmas I received the report of the autopsy. You might recall at the time of Paul's death I really wasn't sure what the cause was. I thought he had an insulin reaction. I was very wrong, Paul died of a massive heart attack, the left ventricle was 90% blocked. I had no idea that Paul had heart disease. Yes, I do know that it is a complication from diabetes but I never suspected. The second cause was hypertension and then lastly diabetes. My questions were finally answered, it didn't make it any easier to accept Paul's death.

NEW YEAR

The new year comes
when the world is ready
for changes, resolutions--
great beginnings,

For us, to whom
that stroke of midnight means
a missing child remembered,
for us the new year comes
more like another darkness.

But let us not forget
that this may be the year
when love and hope and courage
find each other somewhere
in the darkness
to lift their voice and speak:
let there be light.

by Sascha
from the Sorrow and the Light

The Holidays and First's

Since I work at a casino, the hours there are 24/7, holidays included. It is impossible to request time off for them, even under extenuating circumstances. It was to be my first holiday without Paul and I had to work. In a way I thought it might be best to keep my mind off him and to keep busy. It didn't quite work out that way, but somehow I made it through the day. After I got home I called at my niece's house where I knew the whole family would be, celebrating Thanksgiving and my great niece's birthday. It didn't go well, I cried when I talked to my sister and then with my son Jeff, after I got off the phone with them I never felt so alone, a feeling that was going to stay with me for quite a long, long time. That was the first holiday hurdle to get through.

With the Christmas season approaching, I decided that I would not and did not want to get a tree and decorate. I knew I had to go Christmas shopping but my heart was not in it. I could not find the joy that I saw in others while preparing for the holidays. I was envious, I wanted to be a part of the celebration but there was nothing for me to celebrate, my son died two months ago. To make matters even worse, I received the autopsy report a week before Christmas.

Again, since I had to work the holiday, I went home and we "celebrated" the week before Christmas. Another first, Christmas without Paul.

New Year's Eve was especially hard. I was encouraged by Rhonda, her husband and our mutual friend Chandra to go out to dinner. Afterwards we went to Rhonda's house to ring in the New Year. The anticipated 2000 was here and all I could think of was how Paul was supposed to DJ at the American Legion. I couldn't control my tears and sadness,I felt so bad that I was ruining every one's holiday. I should have stayed at home.

So now the holidays are finally over and I could go back to "normal" everyday living. I had survived the firsts somehow, but I knew there were more to come.

HOPE

My sister and I were in touch constantly, I told her of my sadness and pain and that my life was so empty and that I didn't think that I could ever smile again. It wasn't long after that she sent me a Hallmark card which gave me comfort it goes like this:

Hope is a happiness
held in the heart
When happiness
seems to be gone.
Hope is a quiet joy
deep within
Encouraging us to go on.
Hope is a guide
when we seem to be lost
That can help us
in finding our way.
Hope is a strong,
immovable force
That our doubts and fears
cannot sway.
Hope is a light
that burns in the night
In a place where
a miracle starts,
And every good thing
will come in its time...
As long as there's hope
in our hearts.

The verse inside says:

May you find what you need
to bring out the hope
in your heart--
something to make you
smile again.

Returning to work

Somehow I knew after Jeff left to go back home, I needed to return to work. When I did my co-workers were wonderful, expressing their sympathy and caring, even some of the customers who knew me well. (I don't believe I mentioned that I worked in a casino in Metropolis). It was very difficult to concentrate on my job, my every thought was of Paul. The sadness I felt was overwhelming. I thought that I was destined to feel this way for the rest of my life. I couldn't laugh or enjoy anything. Customers would irritate me when they complained of losing their money and I wanted to say to them "try losing a son". I couldn't wait for the day to be over so I could be at home and then when I was home, I didn't want to be there either, I wondered what the big rush was. I'd sit on my front porch and stare into the sky and picture my son there in heaven. When going to work I would pass the first place he lived at. One day, I sat in my car in front of his little house and pictured him there in each room, recalling happier times. I broke down in tears and then I had to go to work! It wasn't unusual for me to break down at any time. There was one time at work that I'll never forget. I saw a young man that resembled Paul. I broke down in tears and had to leave the floor. My supervisor talked to me and asked me if I never thought that would happen, I looked at her and told her I honestly didn't think it would. I know better now.

To this day, whenever I see a young man with a cap on backwards, I think of Paul, especially if this young man should resemble Paul just a little!!

"No Tears"

Whenever Jeff would come down for a visit, there would be tearful goodbyes. Paul and I hated to see Jeff leave and I suppose we both secretly wished he would move down here with us, but we knew it would never happen. It was hard on all of us to say goodbye, after all we are close and it is "the three of us". Paul would become very emotional, so Jeff would tell him each time "no tears" we will see each other again soon. We even got to where we would laugh cause Jeff would give us warning looks.

It was time for Jeff to leave and go back home, we tried not to think about it, because when Jeff left, I would truly be alone.

We went to the cemetery so Jeff could say goodbye to his brother.

At my house, Jeff and I knew that we would break the rule of "no tears".

A Verse From Sasha

Hold Me



I want to cry.
Just sometime, let me cry.
Do not demand
that constant smile from me.

I know you are
uneasy with my tears.
I need to cry.
Please, do not turn away.

I promise you
that I will smile again.
Tomorrow I will be as light as air.

But hold me now
and let my sorrow be.
Just for today,
this moment: let me cry.

Paul's possessions

On Tuesday, we set out getting boxes to pack up all of Paul's belongings. Some people are given time before they are faced with having to deal with this painful task but we were not allowed that time.Paul was renting his place so we had to pack up all his possessions, and Jeff and Dawn needed to return back to their respective homes and jobs.

When we arrived at Paul's place, there was a kitten by the door. Paul had been feeding her and so we brought her into the house and fed her. Now, as I recall these events I believe finding this sweet kitten added some comfort to our difficult task. The time spent at his house brought us so many emotions, from sad to the bittersweet. I had a hard time walking into his bedroom for the first time since I found him, it was hard for all of us. I tried not to picture him lying there but it was impossible. Jeff sent me to the kitchen to start there and he took care of his bedroom. Like I said it was mixed emotions, we commented on how Paul was, to put it mildly, not very neat, so there was some cleaning up to do, besides packing. We were to discover how much of a pack rat Paul was!!! There were newspaper clippings from the Chicago Bulls and more, but the one that got us to laughing was that he saved a clipping from the front page news when Elvis died, Paul was only 8 years old !!!! The most precious of his possessions was his collection of baseball cards. We recalled how he packed them so carefully in so many of our moves. Jeff is the keeper of those precious baseball cards now.

On Friday we were finished with the packing and cleaning. We were going back to my house to meet our friend Donna who was driving in from Texas to be with us. I tried to discourage her from making such a trip, but she insisted. In the meantime, I turned around to take a last look at Paul's place. This place that brought him so much joy and me so much sadness. Then I spotted Paul's stray kitten, I couldn't leave her behind, so I scooped her up into my arms and told her I was bringing her home with us. When we arrived Donna was there waiting for us, it was funny how she brought this ray of sunshine or was it hope at this particular time. First thing we did was to bring her to the cemetary. Did I mention it is just up the road from my house? The next day we all went to The Garden of the Gods and out for dinner in Golconda. Just doing this brought back normalcy into our lives. Normalcy might not be the right word, life has its beginning, middle, and end.Perhaps, it's just that death is not something you face daily. Today, I don't dwell so much on Paul's death, but his life. Trust me, that did not happen overnight, his death and the unbearable pain took time to ease.

The following day Donna left to return back home, but she wasn't alone, she adopted

"Miss Kitty".

After the funeral .....

.....friends and family came to my home for food and a much needed drink (me included). It was good to have everyone near to keep my mind off of the finality of the morning. I remember holding Rosie my great niece who was nearly a year old, my sister commenting on a beautiful Mother's Day card from Paul. Was it just 5 months ago that he gave it to me? The verse was so appropriate relating to our circumstances (being a single parent), that I kept it where I could see it everyday (today it is on my dresser). (I was to find out soon how many things I would hold on to that were Paul's). My niece's Jackie and Jill along with my son Jeff, were looking at my picture albums, recalling the years of growing up together. My dear friend Sue, Paul's Godmother, and her husband Greg were there giving support. It wouldn't be long though before everyone was to leave. At the end of the day, Jeff and his wife to be, retired to the spare bedroom, and I was alone with my tears.

The next day I met my sister Rose and her husband Jack for breakfast in town before they were to leave back to Chicago. We stopped at the cemetery before they left for a final goodbye. Jeff met his half sister Heather and her husband before they were to leave for Ohio. Again, we were left alone, now everyone was to return back to their daily routine. For Jeff and I our routine would be on hold.

My sister's gift

I didn't realize it that day but my sister Rose was to start my journey to healing by reading the following verse at the cemetery. I am eternally grateful for her love and caring and strength.

Do not stand by my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am a diamond glint of snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starshine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.

October 29, 30, and 31

On the 29th Jeff and I had to go to the funeral home to make all the arrangements along with the music to be played on the day of the funeral. I picked Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" because it would be the closest to the music that Paul would want,although knowing Paul, he would have chosen "Spirit in the Sky". Then we had to go to the florist to pick out the flowers. Later it seems that all the things that had to be done were kind of mechanical,it's similar to that numbness that you go through. That numbness protects you from the reality of what is really going on and what you eventually have to face for the rest of your life.

I will never forget that feeling on Saturday the 30th when we walked into the funeral home. I would have to see my son for the first time since I found him. I didn't want to walk in there, I didn't want to see my son lying in a casket. My God this isn't real, this can't be happening, this is all a very bad dream, this was all I could think. My sister took hold of me and we started to walk into the room, I remember holding back, but she nudged me on.

On Sunday the 31st, my son was laid to rest, I would never get to see him again or touch him, how could God take my beautiful son away from me. A parent is not supposed to bury her child. My heart was breaking, being ripped from me, there was such an emptiness inside, a part of me had died along with Paul.

A Gentle Thought for the Day

When someone you love becomes a memory,
the memory becomes a treasure.

First Encounter

When grief first enters our life,
it tends to invade us -
completely and relentlessly.
We are without comfort, we do not feel pleasure,
we find no joy.
We ache in mind and body.
We feel weak and numb.
In the deepest core of our being:
we are ready to accept
that we will never know happiness again.
What's more, we feel this state
is entirely appropriate, natural and irreversible.
Nothing can convince us that,
given time,
we can learn to live again.

But we will.

---Sascha

Today's blog is in Loving Memory of my mother, Catherine James, who was laid to rest on this day in 1967.

Lucid Dreams

In 2004 I awoke after having a dream. (You must keep in mind that I normally do not remember my dreams). Paul was here, standing right in front of me and I was looking right into his eyes. I touched his hair,then his face, and before I knew it he was gone. I woke and did not feel fear or sadness, perhaps it was wonder, maybe peace, but I do know that it was truly real.

I told my friend Barbara about my dream and she said that it sounded like a lucid dream. I didn't know much about lucid dreams and looked it up on the web. After reading about it, I do believe that it was. Barbara said she believes that Paul was letting me know that he was allright and not to worry. I believe that too and I think that Paul needed me to be at peace.

I would like to have more of these dreams so I can be with Paul again.

My friend Sue and I planted these flowers in May of 2003. They were just small little plants to start. What a pleasant surprise to see how they had grown! Boy did they grow, we never realized they would cover his headstone. Rad and I pulled out the middle plant and mulched the area. In addition to how the plants had grown, there were many butterflies that covered the coreopsis. It is always a sad time when I arrive at the cemetery but seeing the beautiful flowers and the butterflies eased the sorrow. The bush on the right was Paul's favorite, it is a Burning Bush and he called it the Burning Bush of Love!!!!




The back of his headstone has an inscription that reads:

Gone from our sight,
but never our memory.
Gone from our touch,
but never our heart.

In January of 1997 there was a rare snow storm. I grabbed my camera and went for a ride around town and it led me to this gravel road, it is the road to the Reevesville Cemetery. I told Rhonda, when I die this is where I want to be buried. This is where Paul was laid to rest.

On one of my early visits to Metropolis, I took pictures of points of interest. I took this picture to send to a friend cause her last name was Miller,(the name on the sign is the Miller Funeral Home) just a joke, right? After I moved down south. I told Rhonda that when I died I wanted to be waked at this funeral home cause it was quaint, little did I know that five years later Paul would be waked here.

How strange life is

Paul was baptized on October 27th
He died on October 27th

Holding him are his Godparents, my friend Sue and my ex brother-in-law

There was another strange occurrence the year Paul died. I can't say exactly when but sometime early in the year, Rhonda and I were at the local bar in Metropolis with other friends when we saw that Cindy was reading palms. We both didn't realize she could do that and so we wanted our palms read. My reading was to come back and haunt me. She asked me if I had a child that was ill, I told her about Paul and his diabetes. She said, with urgency, that he needed to see a doctor. I told her that he was under medical care. She wanted to meet Paul too. I asked her what she saw but she wasn't sure, it frightened me and I remember that I cried at the thought of something happening to my son. She never got to meet Paul and in time I didn't think any more about her "prophesy".

Several years later Cindy and I talked about that night; She said she "saw" Paul's death and there was nothing I could have done to change it. Cindy was able to reassure me that it was quick and painless. I hope that is true.

I've gone to a couple of psychics looking for answers, but realize that it is just a waste of time and money.

The Beginning of Grief

When we arrived back at my house I knew I needed to make the necessary phone calls. The first to my sister, I needed her desperately. I can still hear her today as she screamed out, no it's not true. We both cried.

It wasn't long before neighbors, friends,and co-workers stopped at my house to express their condolences. I won't go into the details of all the events that followed. There were two specific feelings I had that I want to write about. The next morning, Friday,I was up before Jeff and Dawn (did I even sleep?) and it was a beautiful day. The temperature was eighty degrees and the sun was shining. All I could think of was how could this day be so beautiful when my world was falling apart.

My second recollection is that on Friday evening, my friends were gathered in my living room. As I was sitting,I looked around at everyone there. I had an odd feeling, everyone was accounted for, but I felt another presence, but could not see anyone. I have always believed that Paul was there with us and wanted to comfort me.

October 28

The next morning, which was Thursday, I tried calling Paul over and over again. I called where Paul worked and they said he was to be in at 11am. At 11:30 I called his work again and spoke with someone else, she said that not only was Paul not there yet but he did not show up for work the day before. You can imagine my panic. Without hesitation,I quickly left a note for Jeff, and got in my car to go to Paul's place. The whole time I was driving down the interstate going 80 MPH I kept saying to myself,not to drive recklessly, I wouldn't do Paul any good if I were to get in an accident and then saying over and over again please let him be ok. While I said those things I had this horrible feeling that something was terribly wrong. I would then switch my thoughts trying to convince myself that since he was a sound sleeper I would find that I was worrying needlessly. The 16 mile drive felt like an eternity.

When I arrived at his house I knocked and called his name frantically. I tried all the doors and windows. I chastised myself for not having a key. I then drove my car to a gas station close by to call 911 (I didn't have a cell Phone then). After that I drove back to his house and again called his name. Then I reached in my purse and got out a credit card and slid it through the lock on the door. I tried that several times when all of a sudden the door opened for me. Thank God, I was able to break in. I was so afraid of what I would find.

Paul lived in a rented mobile home, I entered into the living room and glanced to the kitchen on my right. No Paul. I went to the left towards his bedroom and there I saw Paul lying on the floor on his side. I reached down, touched his arm and (this is so hard to write) he was cold to my touch. My worst fear was realized, he was dead. I stood up ran towards the front door and tried to scream and I couldn't, nothing would come out from my throat. I then fell to my knees, started screaming and crying and begging for help. I got up, ran outside and started calling for help to anyone who could hear me. After what seemed like an eternity I saw the ambulance across the street at the wrong address and I screamed again for help and they heard me. The rest of it is a blur, a paramedic stayed with me and the other and I think the police went inside. When they came out, they confirmed what I already knew, my son had died.

All the while I was kept outside while the police checked the house, I guess for foul play and the medical examiner was there too.The police and paremedics asked me about Paul's medical history and gathered up his meds, they asked me about his friends and who had seen him last. All this time I didn't really know what happened to Paul. I suspected perhaps he had an insulin reaction or he could have gone into a diabetic coma, I couldnt say for sure.I still felt like I was in a daze and this really wasn't happening. Then I asked where his cats were and if they were ok, he had had trouble with his furnace and I thought it could have been carbon monoxide poisioning. Someone pointed out that one cat, which was Ozzy, was on the top of his dresser and watching over Paul. In the meantime someone called me back in, Jeff was on the phone and had gone into my house and saw my note. He asked me how Paul was and I couldn't answer and then Jeff said, he's dead isn't he? My heart was breaking, I couldn't say it, but Jeff knew. He said he would leave immediately for Paul's house. The paremedics and police were done, they made me look away while they took Paul out of his house. There was nothing left for them to do and the female paremedic that was with me the whole time was hesitant to leave. I told her I would be ok and that my other son was on his way. This may sound melodramatic but it was true, I told her again it was ok I was used to being alone.

Jeff arrived, oh yes, he was with his girlfriend Dawn. We walked into Paul's house trying to grasp what had happened and again it is all a blur, I know we cried, but I remember that we found Ozzy and put him in my car. We looked for Paul's other cat, Sox, but couldn't find her. Later that evening we went back and I found her and brought her to my home.

October 25, 26 & 27, 1999

Paul, Jeff and I are making big plans. It was to be a happy time filled with lots of things to do.We were looking forward to going to the American Legion to see Paul DJ a Halloween party there. Paul was very happy and excited about getting a chance to do this because if they liked him he was going to DJ on New Years eve.

On Monday the 25th I spoke with Jeff on the phone to finalize our plans. After I got off the phone and I called Paul to fill him in on the details, little did I know that it would be the last time I would speak to him. Jeff spoke with Paul too, I'm not sure if that was Monday or Tuesday, but it was to be the last time he would speak to his brother.

During the day on Tuesday Paul was with his best friend, Jeff Klotz. They spent the day at Jeff's parents house replacing a bathroom floor. Later Jeff was to tell us that he dropped Paul off at midnight, they had something to eat, and then Paul said he wasn't feeling well and was going to bed. This was highly unusual, Paul was a night owl. Jeff recalls leaving, then he turned around and saw that Paul turned out the lights, it convinced Jeff that Paul did indeed go to bed.

On Wednesday, the 27th, my son Jeff was to be at my house in the evening as planned. He ended up getting a migraine and postponed til the next day. I tried calling Paul at home Wednesday night to let him know about Jeff, but there was no answer. I didn't really worry it wasn't the first time I couldn't reach him, after all he was 31 years old and I figured I'd just talk to him in the morning.

It is now 1999........

...... and Paul is living with me. In June of 1998 he ran into some tough times and needed to move in. It worked out fine since starting in June of '99, renovation on the outside of my house was being done and he helped. Jeff came down for a surprise visit in July to help tear down the roof. Jeff later reflected he was glad they they were able to have the time together, they worked side by side. I must add at this point that Paul was not a model diabetic patient, in fact far from it. He did just about everything he shouldn't do drank too much and he was a smoker. He wouldn't listen to anyone or allow them to lecture on his health, doctors included.

Paul had been searching for just the right place to move to. He needed a place close to work since he wasn't driving (DUI). He also needed something affordable and without neighbors too close by since he loved to have friends over, throw parties and play his music extremely loud. Yes, Paul was a bit of a Peter Pan, he didn't want to grow up.In the first part of October Paul was ecstatic, he found his perfect place and moved in. I should add that Paul had a passion for music and was a wanna be disc jockey. Paul actually got to DJ several weddings for friends and he was good. He was also looking forward and planning to DJ at the local American Legion for their annual Halloween party.

Ahhh, all grown up & the best of friends

I am a proud mother, forgive me for bragging with their pictures. Maybe my sister is right, ok, she isn't I'm not the only mother in the world to have had childeren!!!

Note: Paul is almost always holding a cat!!!!

The Teenage Years or When I Turned Gray

More from the Album

These are a few pictures of the kids growing up. They were very involved in Little League, they loved playing and they were good too. I know I'm bragging, but that's part of  a moms job!!!!! The picture of Paul holding our cat, Flopsy, was his favorite, he took the picture out of one of my photo albums and wouldn't give it back. Oh yes, Flops was the first in a long line of cats to come, we found it was hard to turn away a stray.

Pictures From the Photo Album

Here are a few pictures of the boys growing up. Jeff as you can see enjoyed his food and Paul was not camera shy.

My house Before & After Remodeling

I was very proud of my house. I know at first it didn't look like much but it was my first house and I was thrilled. When I lived with my parents we never had a house, only an apartment. The same goes while I was married and definitely while I was raising the boys.  It was simple, nothing grand, but it was mine and I loved it.As you can see much effort was made on the outside, and there was a lot done inside too. It was an old house in the country and I filled it with old things. I found an interest, or should I say passion, for antiques and collectables. My friend Rhonda and I would go searching in so many places, Brookport and Eldorado,Il; Paducah, Grand Rivers, and Hazel, KY.(Hazel is near the TN border). There are probably more places that I shopped at that I have forgotten!!!!

Home of Superman, Metropolis, IL

This is the statue of Superman at the courthouse. This is just one site among many in Pope, Johnson, and Massac county, which includes the towns of Vienna, Golconda, Metropolis and many more.

The Big Move & My House

I had another reason for moving other than the beauty of the country.I missed my friend, Rhonda. I had friends here at home but Rhonda and I had a lot in common, like being single. After many visits I decided to pack up, leave the boys behind, (well they were young men), quit my job and move. I decided this was a new beginning for a life for myself. I should mention that Paul came with on one visit and agreed that it was indeed beautiful. My move was set for June and then Paul decided he wanted to move there too. So much for my new independence from my kids. I really didn't mind this way I could make sure he was taking care of himself. Especially with his diabetes. Jeff would be fine, he was very involved with a high school sweetheart and spent his time with her and her family. Paul found a great place in Metropolis and I stayed with Rhonda til I found a cute little house in the country. It was actually in a small community called Reevesville, which had about 20 homes, one church and a beauty shop. That was it, nothing else not even a traffic light. Reevesville had some history, it was an old railroad town and my house had once been a dance hall !!!! Neighbors were friendly and helpful, especially Bob & Gladys. I was truly happy. Life was good.

God's Country

Jeff and I have been sharing an apartment and Paul is living nearby. I was ready for a change in my life. In 1995 a friend of mine moved down to Southern Illinois and I used to go and visit her there. I couldn't believe my first visit, it is absolutely breathtaking there, you can't believe you are in Illinois when you see it! The picture on the left was taken at Belle Smith Springs. The picture on the top right is from Heron Pond, those are Cyprus trees.The picture on the bottom right was taken at The Garden of the God's which is a part of The Shawnee National Forest. That's Paul standing on the rock.

Becoming a Mother the Second Time

Two years later, in October of 1970, Paul became a brother to Jeffrey. I wanted another son and boy oh boy I got myself a big baby,Jeff weighed in at a whopping 9lbs. & 7oz. Lucky me, two beautiful boys and they were so different; Paul with dark brown hair and Jeff with his light blonde hair. I won't even get into personalities, so different in that respect too. AT the age of 5, Paul was diagnosed with diabetes.There were many anxious times with Paul,he was in and out of the emergency room with insulin reactions and other related problems with his diabetes.There were doctor visits for care and control of his diabetes. I had to make sure he got his insulin shots and followed his diet. Paul handled it so well and never complained. The worry was always there for me, along with the usual scrapes and stitches for both of them.
Going through adolescence and their teens wasn't easy, they weren't always so perfect, they were typical boys.You know they really should have had classes on parenting then, especially for a single mom. But I got through it all, so did they. My poor kids, I grew up along with them!!

Becoming a Mother for the First Time

When I was in my teens I used to do a lot of babysitting and I enjoyed it. A couple neighbors said that I would be a wonderful mother. I didn't take much stock in what they said, but later my sister Rose told me that when Paul was born, you would have thought I was the only woman in the world that had given birth to a baby. I don't know how true that was, but in September of 1968 my life changed, Paul was born. He was beautiful, perfect, and I fell in love immediately.

A Brief History

I was born and raised in Chicago. Oh yes, that's me on the right standing behind my mother. My parents were both deaf, but I have forgotten how to use sign language, I only know a few words now. I have one sibling, a sister. My mom died when I was 19 years old, my dad, when I was 25. It was then when I first learned the real pain of losing a loved one. I met my ex-husband soon after my mom died. Deep inside I knew it was a mistake but I got married anyway, that was in 1967. Paul, my first child was born in 1968 and Jeff in 1970. In the same year my dad died, 1972, my marriage failed, and the divorce was final not long after. The boys were just 2 and 4 years old. I didn't realize the responsibility I took on being a single parent, but as I look back, I wouldn't have changed it. With just a just a high school diploma I set out to work and provide for my children and raise them the best I could. BTW, after being divorced for two years my ex, his new family, and the child support disappeared.

We had some tough times, but I try not to reflect on those, only the good times. Paul was diagnosed with diabetes when he was 5 years old, I cried even though I didn't know a lot about diabetes. The tears, I was to discover soon, were well founded.

My sons were typical boys, joined little league, got into minor trouble, didn't like school, and generally caused me to worry. How we survived is amazing but somehow we did. It always was, and always will be, the three of us; we stuck together through thick and thin. Oh yes, I never remarried.

Mother & Daughter Luncheon @ school

Being silly

Love those glasses & hair

Me & my big sis

Me & my Dad

My sister Rose & Mom

They are on the right along with my mom's best friend & her son.

How it all began

Catherine & Leonard James

December 14, 1940
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