My Journey Home and how it began

As planned, I went back to Chicago and spent Christmas with my family. This is now my second year without Paul. I did put up a tree, but a small one. There were a lot of reasons to put one up, one being the precious memories that were contained in the boxes of Christmas decorations and ornaments. Especially the homemade ornaments from when the boys were young. They were bittersweet memories, but memories that I wanted to recall. I must add that Rhonda helped me to decorate and we laughed and had a good time. She said it was good to hear me laugh and be my old self again. She still did not realize that I would never be the same. Our friendship was becoming strained, she would, and had, made comments that bordered on the fact that she thought I should move on. How could she understand, she did not have a child of her own and would never know the bond and love for a child. Some people had even made comments that I should let him go!!! So insensitive.

In January, and back to the everday routines of work and home, I found myself yearning to go back to Chicago. I felt it was where I needed to be. Everywhere I went there were reminders of Paul, not that I needed them, he was always on my mind. From the day he died and till today he is always with me. I would drive down I24 and it would remind me of the day I found him, the frantic drive and my fearful thoughts of what I would find. Everyday, going to work I would drive past where Paul worked and the first little place he lived in. The worst was when I drove past the mobile home he lived and died in. Southern Illinois was supposed to be a new beginning for me, friendships were gone, the charm was gone. All that was left was intense grief.

It was then that I decided to sell my house. In addition, I was able to put in a transfer at the casino I worked at for one up north. On September 1st 2001, I came back home!