First Encounter

When grief first enters our life,
it tends to invade us -
completely and relentlessly.
We are without comfort, we do not feel pleasure,
we find no joy.
We ache in mind and body.
We feel weak and numb.
In the deepest core of our being:
we are ready to accept
that we will never know happiness again.
What's more, we feel this state
is entirely appropriate, natural and irreversible.
Nothing can convince us that,
given time,
we can learn to live again.

But we will.

---Sascha

Today's blog is in Loving Memory of my mother, Catherine James, who was laid to rest on this day in 1967.

Lucid Dreams

In 2004 I awoke after having a dream. (You must keep in mind that I normally do not remember my dreams). Paul was here, standing right in front of me and I was looking right into his eyes. I touched his hair,then his face, and before I knew it he was gone. I woke and did not feel fear or sadness, perhaps it was wonder, maybe peace, but I do know that it was truly real.

I told my friend Barbara about my dream and she said that it sounded like a lucid dream. I didn't know much about lucid dreams and looked it up on the web. After reading about it, I do believe that it was. Barbara said she believes that Paul was letting me know that he was allright and not to worry. I believe that too and I think that Paul needed me to be at peace.

I would like to have more of these dreams so I can be with Paul again.

My friend Sue and I planted these flowers in May of 2003. They were just small little plants to start. What a pleasant surprise to see how they had grown! Boy did they grow, we never realized they would cover his headstone. Rad and I pulled out the middle plant and mulched the area. In addition to how the plants had grown, there were many butterflies that covered the coreopsis. It is always a sad time when I arrive at the cemetery but seeing the beautiful flowers and the butterflies eased the sorrow. The bush on the right was Paul's favorite, it is a Burning Bush and he called it the Burning Bush of Love!!!!




The back of his headstone has an inscription that reads:

Gone from our sight,
but never our memory.
Gone from our touch,
but never our heart.

In January of 1997 there was a rare snow storm. I grabbed my camera and went for a ride around town and it led me to this gravel road, it is the road to the Reevesville Cemetery. I told Rhonda, when I die this is where I want to be buried. This is where Paul was laid to rest.

On one of my early visits to Metropolis, I took pictures of points of interest. I took this picture to send to a friend cause her last name was Miller,(the name on the sign is the Miller Funeral Home) just a joke, right? After I moved down south. I told Rhonda that when I died I wanted to be waked at this funeral home cause it was quaint, little did I know that five years later Paul would be waked here.

How strange life is

Paul was baptized on October 27th
He died on October 27th

Holding him are his Godparents, my friend Sue and my ex brother-in-law

There was another strange occurrence the year Paul died. I can't say exactly when but sometime early in the year, Rhonda and I were at the local bar in Metropolis with other friends when we saw that Cindy was reading palms. We both didn't realize she could do that and so we wanted our palms read. My reading was to come back and haunt me. She asked me if I had a child that was ill, I told her about Paul and his diabetes. She said, with urgency, that he needed to see a doctor. I told her that he was under medical care. She wanted to meet Paul too. I asked her what she saw but she wasn't sure, it frightened me and I remember that I cried at the thought of something happening to my son. She never got to meet Paul and in time I didn't think any more about her "prophesy".

Several years later Cindy and I talked about that night; She said she "saw" Paul's death and there was nothing I could have done to change it. Cindy was able to reassure me that it was quick and painless. I hope that is true.

I've gone to a couple of psychics looking for answers, but realize that it is just a waste of time and money.

The Beginning of Grief

When we arrived back at my house I knew I needed to make the necessary phone calls. The first to my sister, I needed her desperately. I can still hear her today as she screamed out, no it's not true. We both cried.

It wasn't long before neighbors, friends,and co-workers stopped at my house to express their condolences. I won't go into the details of all the events that followed. There were two specific feelings I had that I want to write about. The next morning, Friday,I was up before Jeff and Dawn (did I even sleep?) and it was a beautiful day. The temperature was eighty degrees and the sun was shining. All I could think of was how could this day be so beautiful when my world was falling apart.

My second recollection is that on Friday evening, my friends were gathered in my living room. As I was sitting,I looked around at everyone there. I had an odd feeling, everyone was accounted for, but I felt another presence, but could not see anyone. I have always believed that Paul was there with us and wanted to comfort me.

October 28

The next morning, which was Thursday, I tried calling Paul over and over again. I called where Paul worked and they said he was to be in at 11am. At 11:30 I called his work again and spoke with someone else, she said that not only was Paul not there yet but he did not show up for work the day before. You can imagine my panic. Without hesitation,I quickly left a note for Jeff, and got in my car to go to Paul's place. The whole time I was driving down the interstate going 80 MPH I kept saying to myself,not to drive recklessly, I wouldn't do Paul any good if I were to get in an accident and then saying over and over again please let him be ok. While I said those things I had this horrible feeling that something was terribly wrong. I would then switch my thoughts trying to convince myself that since he was a sound sleeper I would find that I was worrying needlessly. The 16 mile drive felt like an eternity.

When I arrived at his house I knocked and called his name frantically. I tried all the doors and windows. I chastised myself for not having a key. I then drove my car to a gas station close by to call 911 (I didn't have a cell Phone then). After that I drove back to his house and again called his name. Then I reached in my purse and got out a credit card and slid it through the lock on the door. I tried that several times when all of a sudden the door opened for me. Thank God, I was able to break in. I was so afraid of what I would find.

Paul lived in a rented mobile home, I entered into the living room and glanced to the kitchen on my right. No Paul. I went to the left towards his bedroom and there I saw Paul lying on the floor on his side. I reached down, touched his arm and (this is so hard to write) he was cold to my touch. My worst fear was realized, he was dead. I stood up ran towards the front door and tried to scream and I couldn't, nothing would come out from my throat. I then fell to my knees, started screaming and crying and begging for help. I got up, ran outside and started calling for help to anyone who could hear me. After what seemed like an eternity I saw the ambulance across the street at the wrong address and I screamed again for help and they heard me. The rest of it is a blur, a paramedic stayed with me and the other and I think the police went inside. When they came out, they confirmed what I already knew, my son had died.

All the while I was kept outside while the police checked the house, I guess for foul play and the medical examiner was there too.The police and paremedics asked me about Paul's medical history and gathered up his meds, they asked me about his friends and who had seen him last. All this time I didn't really know what happened to Paul. I suspected perhaps he had an insulin reaction or he could have gone into a diabetic coma, I couldnt say for sure.I still felt like I was in a daze and this really wasn't happening. Then I asked where his cats were and if they were ok, he had had trouble with his furnace and I thought it could have been carbon monoxide poisioning. Someone pointed out that one cat, which was Ozzy, was on the top of his dresser and watching over Paul. In the meantime someone called me back in, Jeff was on the phone and had gone into my house and saw my note. He asked me how Paul was and I couldn't answer and then Jeff said, he's dead isn't he? My heart was breaking, I couldn't say it, but Jeff knew. He said he would leave immediately for Paul's house. The paremedics and police were done, they made me look away while they took Paul out of his house. There was nothing left for them to do and the female paremedic that was with me the whole time was hesitant to leave. I told her I would be ok and that my other son was on his way. This may sound melodramatic but it was true, I told her again it was ok I was used to being alone.

Jeff arrived, oh yes, he was with his girlfriend Dawn. We walked into Paul's house trying to grasp what had happened and again it is all a blur, I know we cried, but I remember that we found Ozzy and put him in my car. We looked for Paul's other cat, Sox, but couldn't find her. Later that evening we went back and I found her and brought her to my home.

October 25, 26 & 27, 1999

Paul, Jeff and I are making big plans. It was to be a happy time filled with lots of things to do.We were looking forward to going to the American Legion to see Paul DJ a Halloween party there. Paul was very happy and excited about getting a chance to do this because if they liked him he was going to DJ on New Years eve.

On Monday the 25th I spoke with Jeff on the phone to finalize our plans. After I got off the phone and I called Paul to fill him in on the details, little did I know that it would be the last time I would speak to him. Jeff spoke with Paul too, I'm not sure if that was Monday or Tuesday, but it was to be the last time he would speak to his brother.

During the day on Tuesday Paul was with his best friend, Jeff Klotz. They spent the day at Jeff's parents house replacing a bathroom floor. Later Jeff was to tell us that he dropped Paul off at midnight, they had something to eat, and then Paul said he wasn't feeling well and was going to bed. This was highly unusual, Paul was a night owl. Jeff recalls leaving, then he turned around and saw that Paul turned out the lights, it convinced Jeff that Paul did indeed go to bed.

On Wednesday, the 27th, my son Jeff was to be at my house in the evening as planned. He ended up getting a migraine and postponed til the next day. I tried calling Paul at home Wednesday night to let him know about Jeff, but there was no answer. I didn't really worry it wasn't the first time I couldn't reach him, after all he was 31 years old and I figured I'd just talk to him in the morning.

It is now 1999........

...... and Paul is living with me. In June of 1998 he ran into some tough times and needed to move in. It worked out fine since starting in June of '99, renovation on the outside of my house was being done and he helped. Jeff came down for a surprise visit in July to help tear down the roof. Jeff later reflected he was glad they they were able to have the time together, they worked side by side. I must add at this point that Paul was not a model diabetic patient, in fact far from it. He did just about everything he shouldn't do drank too much and he was a smoker. He wouldn't listen to anyone or allow them to lecture on his health, doctors included.

Paul had been searching for just the right place to move to. He needed a place close to work since he wasn't driving (DUI). He also needed something affordable and without neighbors too close by since he loved to have friends over, throw parties and play his music extremely loud. Yes, Paul was a bit of a Peter Pan, he didn't want to grow up.In the first part of October Paul was ecstatic, he found his perfect place and moved in. I should add that Paul had a passion for music and was a wanna be disc jockey. Paul actually got to DJ several weddings for friends and he was good. He was also looking forward and planning to DJ at the local American Legion for their annual Halloween party.

Ahhh, all grown up & the best of friends

I am a proud mother, forgive me for bragging with their pictures. Maybe my sister is right, ok, she isn't I'm not the only mother in the world to have had childeren!!!

Note: Paul is almost always holding a cat!!!!

The Teenage Years or When I Turned Gray

More from the Album

These are a few pictures of the kids growing up. They were very involved in Little League, they loved playing and they were good too. I know I'm bragging, but that's part of  a moms job!!!!! The picture of Paul holding our cat, Flopsy, was his favorite, he took the picture out of one of my photo albums and wouldn't give it back. Oh yes, Flops was the first in a long line of cats to come, we found it was hard to turn away a stray.

Pictures From the Photo Album

Here are a few pictures of the boys growing up. Jeff as you can see enjoyed his food and Paul was not camera shy.

My house Before & After Remodeling

I was very proud of my house. I know at first it didn't look like much but it was my first house and I was thrilled. When I lived with my parents we never had a house, only an apartment. The same goes while I was married and definitely while I was raising the boys.  It was simple, nothing grand, but it was mine and I loved it.As you can see much effort was made on the outside, and there was a lot done inside too. It was an old house in the country and I filled it with old things. I found an interest, or should I say passion, for antiques and collectables. My friend Rhonda and I would go searching in so many places, Brookport and Eldorado,Il; Paducah, Grand Rivers, and Hazel, KY.(Hazel is near the TN border). There are probably more places that I shopped at that I have forgotten!!!!

Home of Superman, Metropolis, IL

This is the statue of Superman at the courthouse. This is just one site among many in Pope, Johnson, and Massac county, which includes the towns of Vienna, Golconda, Metropolis and many more.

The Big Move & My House

I had another reason for moving other than the beauty of the country.I missed my friend, Rhonda. I had friends here at home but Rhonda and I had a lot in common, like being single. After many visits I decided to pack up, leave the boys behind, (well they were young men), quit my job and move. I decided this was a new beginning for a life for myself. I should mention that Paul came with on one visit and agreed that it was indeed beautiful. My move was set for June and then Paul decided he wanted to move there too. So much for my new independence from my kids. I really didn't mind this way I could make sure he was taking care of himself. Especially with his diabetes. Jeff would be fine, he was very involved with a high school sweetheart and spent his time with her and her family. Paul found a great place in Metropolis and I stayed with Rhonda til I found a cute little house in the country. It was actually in a small community called Reevesville, which had about 20 homes, one church and a beauty shop. That was it, nothing else not even a traffic light. Reevesville had some history, it was an old railroad town and my house had once been a dance hall !!!! Neighbors were friendly and helpful, especially Bob & Gladys. I was truly happy. Life was good.

God's Country

Jeff and I have been sharing an apartment and Paul is living nearby. I was ready for a change in my life. In 1995 a friend of mine moved down to Southern Illinois and I used to go and visit her there. I couldn't believe my first visit, it is absolutely breathtaking there, you can't believe you are in Illinois when you see it! The picture on the left was taken at Belle Smith Springs. The picture on the top right is from Heron Pond, those are Cyprus trees.The picture on the bottom right was taken at The Garden of the God's which is a part of The Shawnee National Forest. That's Paul standing on the rock.