HOPE

My sister and I were in touch constantly, I told her of my sadness and pain and that my life was so empty and that I didn't think that I could ever smile again. It wasn't long after that she sent me a Hallmark card which gave me comfort it goes like this:

Hope is a happiness
held in the heart
When happiness
seems to be gone.
Hope is a quiet joy
deep within
Encouraging us to go on.
Hope is a guide
when we seem to be lost
That can help us
in finding our way.
Hope is a strong,
immovable force
That our doubts and fears
cannot sway.
Hope is a light
that burns in the night
In a place where
a miracle starts,
And every good thing
will come in its time...
As long as there's hope
in our hearts.

The verse inside says:

May you find what you need
to bring out the hope
in your heart--
something to make you
smile again.

Returning to work

Somehow I knew after Jeff left to go back home, I needed to return to work. When I did my co-workers were wonderful, expressing their sympathy and caring, even some of the customers who knew me well. (I don't believe I mentioned that I worked in a casino in Metropolis). It was very difficult to concentrate on my job, my every thought was of Paul. The sadness I felt was overwhelming. I thought that I was destined to feel this way for the rest of my life. I couldn't laugh or enjoy anything. Customers would irritate me when they complained of losing their money and I wanted to say to them "try losing a son". I couldn't wait for the day to be over so I could be at home and then when I was home, I didn't want to be there either, I wondered what the big rush was. I'd sit on my front porch and stare into the sky and picture my son there in heaven. When going to work I would pass the first place he lived at. One day, I sat in my car in front of his little house and pictured him there in each room, recalling happier times. I broke down in tears and then I had to go to work! It wasn't unusual for me to break down at any time. There was one time at work that I'll never forget. I saw a young man that resembled Paul. I broke down in tears and had to leave the floor. My supervisor talked to me and asked me if I never thought that would happen, I looked at her and told her I honestly didn't think it would. I know better now.

To this day, whenever I see a young man with a cap on backwards, I think of Paul, especially if this young man should resemble Paul just a little!!

"No Tears"

Whenever Jeff would come down for a visit, there would be tearful goodbyes. Paul and I hated to see Jeff leave and I suppose we both secretly wished he would move down here with us, but we knew it would never happen. It was hard on all of us to say goodbye, after all we are close and it is "the three of us". Paul would become very emotional, so Jeff would tell him each time "no tears" we will see each other again soon. We even got to where we would laugh cause Jeff would give us warning looks.

It was time for Jeff to leave and go back home, we tried not to think about it, because when Jeff left, I would truly be alone.

We went to the cemetery so Jeff could say goodbye to his brother.

At my house, Jeff and I knew that we would break the rule of "no tears".

A Verse From Sasha

Hold Me



I want to cry.
Just sometime, let me cry.
Do not demand
that constant smile from me.

I know you are
uneasy with my tears.
I need to cry.
Please, do not turn away.

I promise you
that I will smile again.
Tomorrow I will be as light as air.

But hold me now
and let my sorrow be.
Just for today,
this moment: let me cry.

Paul's possessions

On Tuesday, we set out getting boxes to pack up all of Paul's belongings. Some people are given time before they are faced with having to deal with this painful task but we were not allowed that time.Paul was renting his place so we had to pack up all his possessions, and Jeff and Dawn needed to return back to their respective homes and jobs.

When we arrived at Paul's place, there was a kitten by the door. Paul had been feeding her and so we brought her into the house and fed her. Now, as I recall these events I believe finding this sweet kitten added some comfort to our difficult task. The time spent at his house brought us so many emotions, from sad to the bittersweet. I had a hard time walking into his bedroom for the first time since I found him, it was hard for all of us. I tried not to picture him lying there but it was impossible. Jeff sent me to the kitchen to start there and he took care of his bedroom. Like I said it was mixed emotions, we commented on how Paul was, to put it mildly, not very neat, so there was some cleaning up to do, besides packing. We were to discover how much of a pack rat Paul was!!! There were newspaper clippings from the Chicago Bulls and more, but the one that got us to laughing was that he saved a clipping from the front page news when Elvis died, Paul was only 8 years old !!!! The most precious of his possessions was his collection of baseball cards. We recalled how he packed them so carefully in so many of our moves. Jeff is the keeper of those precious baseball cards now.

On Friday we were finished with the packing and cleaning. We were going back to my house to meet our friend Donna who was driving in from Texas to be with us. I tried to discourage her from making such a trip, but she insisted. In the meantime, I turned around to take a last look at Paul's place. This place that brought him so much joy and me so much sadness. Then I spotted Paul's stray kitten, I couldn't leave her behind, so I scooped her up into my arms and told her I was bringing her home with us. When we arrived Donna was there waiting for us, it was funny how she brought this ray of sunshine or was it hope at this particular time. First thing we did was to bring her to the cemetary. Did I mention it is just up the road from my house? The next day we all went to The Garden of the Gods and out for dinner in Golconda. Just doing this brought back normalcy into our lives. Normalcy might not be the right word, life has its beginning, middle, and end.Perhaps, it's just that death is not something you face daily. Today, I don't dwell so much on Paul's death, but his life. Trust me, that did not happen overnight, his death and the unbearable pain took time to ease.

The following day Donna left to return back home, but she wasn't alone, she adopted

"Miss Kitty".

After the funeral .....

.....friends and family came to my home for food and a much needed drink (me included). It was good to have everyone near to keep my mind off of the finality of the morning. I remember holding Rosie my great niece who was nearly a year old, my sister commenting on a beautiful Mother's Day card from Paul. Was it just 5 months ago that he gave it to me? The verse was so appropriate relating to our circumstances (being a single parent), that I kept it where I could see it everyday (today it is on my dresser). (I was to find out soon how many things I would hold on to that were Paul's). My niece's Jackie and Jill along with my son Jeff, were looking at my picture albums, recalling the years of growing up together. My dear friend Sue, Paul's Godmother, and her husband Greg were there giving support. It wouldn't be long though before everyone was to leave. At the end of the day, Jeff and his wife to be, retired to the spare bedroom, and I was alone with my tears.

The next day I met my sister Rose and her husband Jack for breakfast in town before they were to leave back to Chicago. We stopped at the cemetery before they left for a final goodbye. Jeff met his half sister Heather and her husband before they were to leave for Ohio. Again, we were left alone, now everyone was to return back to their daily routine. For Jeff and I our routine would be on hold.

My sister's gift

I didn't realize it that day but my sister Rose was to start my journey to healing by reading the following verse at the cemetery. I am eternally grateful for her love and caring and strength.

Do not stand by my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am a diamond glint of snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starshine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.

October 29, 30, and 31

On the 29th Jeff and I had to go to the funeral home to make all the arrangements along with the music to be played on the day of the funeral. I picked Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" because it would be the closest to the music that Paul would want,although knowing Paul, he would have chosen "Spirit in the Sky". Then we had to go to the florist to pick out the flowers. Later it seems that all the things that had to be done were kind of mechanical,it's similar to that numbness that you go through. That numbness protects you from the reality of what is really going on and what you eventually have to face for the rest of your life.

I will never forget that feeling on Saturday the 30th when we walked into the funeral home. I would have to see my son for the first time since I found him. I didn't want to walk in there, I didn't want to see my son lying in a casket. My God this isn't real, this can't be happening, this is all a very bad dream, this was all I could think. My sister took hold of me and we started to walk into the room, I remember holding back, but she nudged me on.

On Sunday the 31st, my son was laid to rest, I would never get to see him again or touch him, how could God take my beautiful son away from me. A parent is not supposed to bury her child. My heart was breaking, being ripped from me, there was such an emptiness inside, a part of me had died along with Paul.

A Gentle Thought for the Day

When someone you love becomes a memory,
the memory becomes a treasure.