October 29, 30, and 31

On the 29th Jeff and I had to go to the funeral home to make all the arrangements along with the music to be played on the day of the funeral. I picked Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" because it would be the closest to the music that Paul would want,although knowing Paul, he would have chosen "Spirit in the Sky". Then we had to go to the florist to pick out the flowers. Later it seems that all the things that had to be done were kind of mechanical,it's similar to that numbness that you go through. That numbness protects you from the reality of what is really going on and what you eventually have to face for the rest of your life.

I will never forget that feeling on Saturday the 30th when we walked into the funeral home. I would have to see my son for the first time since I found him. I didn't want to walk in there, I didn't want to see my son lying in a casket. My God this isn't real, this can't be happening, this is all a very bad dream, this was all I could think. My sister took hold of me and we started to walk into the room, I remember holding back, but she nudged me on.

On Sunday the 31st, my son was laid to rest, I would never get to see him again or touch him, how could God take my beautiful son away from me. A parent is not supposed to bury her child. My heart was breaking, being ripped from me, there was such an emptiness inside, a part of me had died along with Paul.