Christmas Eve 2005

I am back to the present now and I really had no intentions of posting anything on this day, that is, until I talked to Jeff this evening.

My day on this Christmas Eve was going to be a fairly busy, one where I would be preparing some things to take to Rad's house for Christmas dinner. Yes, he is cooking, as he always has done with his daughters, and as I had done with my sons in the past. Now we would be combining our families to one. He is doing most of the cooking since I am still on medical leave and can't handle doing it all.How lucky am I to find a man that loves me and can cook! My thoughts today as I was cutting up the onions and celery for the stuffing, was in the future because next year Rad and I will be living together.

As I was chopping away I decided to put on some music. The other day I came across a tape, the "Eric Clapton Unplugged" and I decided to play it, as it is a favorite of mine. I knew the risk of playing it, as I will explain, but I went ahead. I was enjoying the music and then "Tears In Heaven" started. The emotions that I had been holding back,came out. You see, when deciding what music to play at the funeral service for Paul, I chose "Tears In Heaven". Today,I was listening, but picturing Paul lying in the casket. This is a memory I try to avoid.

Families should be together during the holidays and when one is missing, it is so very hard. My thoughts turned to Paul and how I longed for him to be back with us again. I thought of holidays we had celebrated and was saddened that it can no longer be.

After reflecting on the past, I listened to the rest of the tape and then put on some blues by Etta James and got back to my tasks.

During the course of the day I spoke with Jeff on several occasions to discuss many things like what time he was picking me up on Christmas Day to take me to Rad's and what time we are to be at my sister's house on Monday to celebrate with her and her family. At one point, he kept calling we would talk and then he'd call back. Each time he called I put the music on pause after I answered and he commented on how I was really jamming! I laughed and then decided not to tell him of my thoughts of Paul. He told me of his plans for the evening, spending it with his friend Richie. I did mention too bad I wasn't going to see him but then I sluffed it off, telling him I'd see him tomorrow anyway.

A little before 9 P.M. I was on the couch, with a cup of tea and engrossed in the book I am reading when Jeff called. He really took me by surprise and I asked him if all was ok and he said he felt sad knowing that I was home alone. He also said that he could not stop thinking of Paul and me. He said that he could not have a good time with these thoughts and he needed to talk to me. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but held back. I told him that I had been thinking of Paul too. Then I told him that he needed to get back to his friends and have a good time, that I was fine here with my book and tea. I then told him he was the best son and that I loved him very much and now go have fun.

When we hung up, I let the tears fall and then I thanked God for giving me such a wonderful and loving son. Then I thanked Him for giving me two sons to love.

So I am not alone on this Christmas Eve, my sons are with me always in heart and mind.

Remembrance Book

Every year, around the world, our children are remembered in a candlelight service started by The Compassionate Friends. This occurs in December at 7 P.M. local times. TCF chapters prepare a program that you can attend or you can light a candle at home. The purpose is to have a continuous light. The theme is that "Their Light May Always Shine". On their web site there is also a Remembrance Book. In this book anyone can write a message to a loved one that has "Gone Too Soon". This book can also be viewed. There is a chat room available also. I wrote a message to Paul and in addition, read the heartbreaking messages from mothers, fathers, siblings, and friends. There were three verses that particularly seem poignant to me that I would like to share.

First:

The tide recedes,
But leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down
But gentle warmth,
Still lingers on the land.
The music stops
And yet it echoes on
In sweet refrains...
For every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains.


Second:

"And can it be that in a world
So full and busy
The loss of one creature
Makes a void in any heart
So wide and deep
That nothing but
Width and depth of eternity
Can fill it up!"
-DICKENS

And lastly:

THE MEMORIES WILL LET YOUR SOUL LIVE, YOUR SPIRIT WILL FLY.

My Journey Home and how it began

As planned, I went back to Chicago and spent Christmas with my family. This is now my second year without Paul. I did put up a tree, but a small one. There were a lot of reasons to put one up, one being the precious memories that were contained in the boxes of Christmas decorations and ornaments. Especially the homemade ornaments from when the boys were young. They were bittersweet memories, but memories that I wanted to recall. I must add that Rhonda helped me to decorate and we laughed and had a good time. She said it was good to hear me laugh and be my old self again. She still did not realize that I would never be the same. Our friendship was becoming strained, she would, and had, made comments that bordered on the fact that she thought I should move on. How could she understand, she did not have a child of her own and would never know the bond and love for a child. Some people had even made comments that I should let him go!!! So insensitive.

In January, and back to the everday routines of work and home, I found myself yearning to go back to Chicago. I felt it was where I needed to be. Everywhere I went there were reminders of Paul, not that I needed them, he was always on my mind. From the day he died and till today he is always with me. I would drive down I24 and it would remind me of the day I found him, the frantic drive and my fearful thoughts of what I would find. Everyday, going to work I would drive past where Paul worked and the first little place he lived in. The worst was when I drove past the mobile home he lived and died in. Southern Illinois was supposed to be a new beginning for me, friendships were gone, the charm was gone. All that was left was intense grief.

It was then that I decided to sell my house. In addition, I was able to put in a transfer at the casino I worked at for one up north. On September 1st 2001, I came back home!

Thanksgiving 2000

The time is now one month after surgey and I am still on medical leave. It is Thanksgiving Day and plans were made to spend it with my friends Rhonda,Bud and his family. We had a good time but I missed my family. Early Friday morning I was talking with Jeff's wife, Dawn, (now ex) and she talked of how they were going to my niece's house that evening to celebrate Rosie's birthday (my great niece). I felt so bad that I would not be with my family and it was at that point I wondered if I could just drive home. I called my doctor and asked if I was at a point in recovery where I could drive 350 miles. He said yes, but take it easy and make a lot of stops. I said I would, but knew I would not!! I was used to driving home straight through with usually one stop where I would take a bathroom break, gas up the car and grab something at McDonalds. A little surgery was not going to slow me down. I called Dawn to let her know I was coming but we would make it a surprise. I called my neighbors Bob & Gladys to let them know, they would keep an eye on my house along with Ruth, my other neighbor, who took care of my cats. I packed lightly and left.

At around 7PM, I showed up at Jackie's house (my niece), at the same time as Jeff. He walked in first and then me, the look on my family's face was priceless!! They were so surprised to see me. Of course it was a great evening and I was so happy to be with my family. I stayed for a few days and then headed back home, knowing that I would be back for Christmas.

Note: my reference to two homes!!!! one in Southern Illinois and one in Chicago!!

Back to my personal story

I really got sidetracked since last April with entries from Compassionate Friends and other verses. My hope, for anyone that might read this, is to know that they are not alone.

Going back into my blog in April, I wrote how I was looking for answers on Paul's death, coming to terms that there was nothing "wrong" with me, and of lost friends. I do want to add a little about the "friends" and that is "you can't truly lose what you never had".

In September of 2000 my sister Rose, devoting herself to keeping me busy, thought it would be fun for us to meet halfway in Arcola, Illinois and go antiquing and check out specialty shops. We also stayed overnight in a B&B, such a treat.The day before I had a medical test done and she constantly showed her concern, asking me if I was feeling ok! We had a great time, she helped me to get back on the road of living again.

On the one year anniversary date of Paul's death I was unable to go to the cemetery. I came home from the hospital after having a hysterectomy on that very day. I felt so bad that I could not go, but in retrospect, perhaps it was the best. Later I came to realize, especially after moving away, that going to the cemetery in the fall or on the anniversary date is so very hard. It brings me back to 1999 when it all happened. Being at the cemetery, looking at his grave and headstone, hearing the leaves fall, the sky being so gray, and the feeling of being so cold. They were stark reminders that he was truly gone.

Rose came down from Chicago to take care of me while recuperating from surgery. She cooked, cleaned, we drove to town, and we watched a ton of movies. We rented every movie we missed, and watched good ones over again. She stayed for one week and made my healing easier. Yes, healing, both my body and my mind.

Your Compassionate Friend

This is from my local chapter TCF newsletter:

I can tell by that look friend, that we need to talk.
So come take my hand and let's go for a walk.
See, I'm not like the others - I won't shy away,
Because I want to hear what you've got to say.

Your child has died and you need to be heard,
But they don't want to hear a single word.
They say your child's with God, so be strong,
They say all the "right" things that somehow seem wrong.

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile,
I'll wait while you cry and be glad if you smile.
I won't criticize you or judge you or scorn,
I'll just stay and listen 'til night turns to morn.

Yes, the journey is hard and unbearably long.
And I know that you think that you're not quite that strong,
So just take my hand 'cause I've time to spare,
And I know how it hurts, friend, for I have been there.

See, I owe a debt you can help me repay,
For not long ago, I was helped the same way.
And I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal,
So believe when I say that I know how you feel.

I don't look for praise or financial gain,
And I'm sure not the kind who gets joy out of pain,
I'm just a strong shoulder who'll be here 'til the end-
I'll be your Compassionate Friend.

-Steven L. Channing TCF of Winnipeg, Canada