Christmas Eve 2005

I am back to the present now and I really had no intentions of posting anything on this day, that is, until I talked to Jeff this evening.

My day on this Christmas Eve was going to be a fairly busy, one where I would be preparing some things to take to Rad's house for Christmas dinner. Yes, he is cooking, as he always has done with his daughters, and as I had done with my sons in the past. Now we would be combining our families to one. He is doing most of the cooking since I am still on medical leave and can't handle doing it all.How lucky am I to find a man that loves me and can cook! My thoughts today as I was cutting up the onions and celery for the stuffing, was in the future because next year Rad and I will be living together.

As I was chopping away I decided to put on some music. The other day I came across a tape, the "Eric Clapton Unplugged" and I decided to play it, as it is a favorite of mine. I knew the risk of playing it, as I will explain, but I went ahead. I was enjoying the music and then "Tears In Heaven" started. The emotions that I had been holding back,came out. You see, when deciding what music to play at the funeral service for Paul, I chose "Tears In Heaven". Today,I was listening, but picturing Paul lying in the casket. This is a memory I try to avoid.

Families should be together during the holidays and when one is missing, it is so very hard. My thoughts turned to Paul and how I longed for him to be back with us again. I thought of holidays we had celebrated and was saddened that it can no longer be.

After reflecting on the past, I listened to the rest of the tape and then put on some blues by Etta James and got back to my tasks.

During the course of the day I spoke with Jeff on several occasions to discuss many things like what time he was picking me up on Christmas Day to take me to Rad's and what time we are to be at my sister's house on Monday to celebrate with her and her family. At one point, he kept calling we would talk and then he'd call back. Each time he called I put the music on pause after I answered and he commented on how I was really jamming! I laughed and then decided not to tell him of my thoughts of Paul. He told me of his plans for the evening, spending it with his friend Richie. I did mention too bad I wasn't going to see him but then I sluffed it off, telling him I'd see him tomorrow anyway.

A little before 9 P.M. I was on the couch, with a cup of tea and engrossed in the book I am reading when Jeff called. He really took me by surprise and I asked him if all was ok and he said he felt sad knowing that I was home alone. He also said that he could not stop thinking of Paul and me. He said that he could not have a good time with these thoughts and he needed to talk to me. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but held back. I told him that I had been thinking of Paul too. Then I told him that he needed to get back to his friends and have a good time, that I was fine here with my book and tea. I then told him he was the best son and that I loved him very much and now go have fun.

When we hung up, I let the tears fall and then I thanked God for giving me such a wonderful and loving son. Then I thanked Him for giving me two sons to love.

So I am not alone on this Christmas Eve, my sons are with me always in heart and mind.