My plan did not work,see my earlier post today!

You see, what I did today was:
write Paul a message
placed the message in a helium balloon
went to Conkey Woods,the forest preserve where he played baseball.
I sat in my car and played the CD "Precious Child"
I couldn't help but cry
I walked to the meadow, stared up into the blue sky
talked to Paul and then released the balloon
the strong wind carried it to him.

Now at home
I have candles lit in remembrance
of my son, he is always with me!

Today is just another day, yeah right.

It is seven years ago that my life changed forever and I am trying to go about it as though nothing happened. Yesterday, today and the days to come are going to be "just another day" and I am going to be like Scarlet and just think about it tomorrow. I am just going to go through the motions and pretend that this is just another ordinary week.

Except......

My every thought is of you Paul, even though I try to pretend that these days are just like any others, I can't. I miss you and love you with all my heart. I pray that you are happy in your eternal life.

Paul, I am reading about communication with "the other side" and I hope that you want and will try to communicate with me. I am looking for signs in hope that we can reach each other. Someday I will see you again but till then know that...........

every step I take, every move I make, every day, I'll be missing you.
Love,Ma

This is big!!!

I have made a giant step forward in healing. Let me explain.

I had mentioned earlier in my blog that Paul's funeral was on October 31, 1999. Yes, on Halloween, nothing like another huge reminder of the saddest day of my life each year!

In the past, as a child and in the years to come with my boys, Halloween was always a fun and anticipated day. That ended 7 years ago. Just recently this is where the signs of my healing is beginning to show. I had bought this gorgeous wreath to put on my front door and after talking with the shopkeeper had decided in order to keep with the holidays I would add something in the center of this wreath. So I went ahead and bought an ugly old witch made of cloth and placed it in the wreath the other day. In addition, I was shopping at Walgreens and bought a skeleton pen with fuzzy orange stuff and it lights up when you write and a necklace shaped like a pumpkin to wear at work on Halloween. I am telling you that this is really more steps in the right direction and I think Paul would approve.

Funny though, I unintentionally bought 3 things .... Paul's favorite number!!!

Dedicated to my sons

L’INCONTRO
(The Meeting)
Poem by Andrea Bocelli



While like a giant-proud and happy
I take my baby in my arms Fragile, innocent, and alive
And like a little bird He’s pushing against my chest
Abandoned quiet and safe For an instant - almost sweetly
My destiny appears to me like a dream

And I see myself, old and surrendered,
Seated there near the coalfire
Waiting for the evening with the anxiety of a child.
Just to see him coming back home
With the gift of his smile, Of his words and kindness
It’s like a promise that can solve the enormous joy
Of one of his caresses

Then I wake up and I have already forgotten
But inside of me the kid’s trapped soul advises me
That this new born child is already more important to me
Than of my own life…………..

……………. And I stood in front of him for awhile
and listened around and took him in my arms

He opened his hand and touched my nose and
brushed against my mouth

I held him and my world turned more
Around us everything blossomed

I stood still for awhile And it was there that time found us again

He opened his hand then touched my nose and then I smiled

I held him and the world turned more
Around us everything blossomed

The world is a tiny point of blue light
That turns and moves with the breath of angels

I held him and the world turned more

That turns are moves with the breath of angels

I held him and stood just so, just so ……….

Paul's Birthday----2006

Happy Birthday Paul!! You are always in my thoughts, but this month especially more so. Rad and I went out and enjoyed this beautiful day. It was made even more special when we went to the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum and visited the butterfly conservatory. It was a beautiful sight especially knowing the significance of the butterfly to life here and beyond.

You were on the minds of many today which I know you had to sense. I talked to Jeff and he told me as he worked though the night his thoughts were mostly of you. Barbara and I talked of you in the morning, I had messages when I returned this evening from Auntie Rose, your cousin Jackie, my neighbor Cheryl and emails from Ruthie and Nancy. How nice to know we are loved. You are alive in my heart and memories. Happy Birthday my first born son, I love you now and always.


More on butterflies:

The butterfly is a symbol of hope.
Think of the first stage of its life - as a caterpillar, like us, crawling on the earth.
Then comes the chrysalis - apparently dead - as when we put the body in a casket.
The 3rd stage, is the beautiful butterfly - completely changed - a free spirit, no longer earth-bound.

Photographs (continued from below)

When I wrote below of favorite photographs, well this is another favorite. Paul had emptied out his toy box, took off his pants, put on that knitted cap and the red boots. There was another picture I took before this one and his back was to me looking into the toy box and his little tiny bare butt was showing. So darned cute!!!

"The Five People You Meet In Heaven"

I recently read the above titled book and these two paragraphs made an impression on me that I would like to share.

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it".

"Life has to end. Love doesn't".

Another Mother's Day Without You

Loving you now and forever Paul, I miss you with all my heart.



Every step I take, Every move I make, Every single day, Everytime I pray, I'll be missing you, Thinking of the day, When you went away, What a life to take, What a bond to break, I'll be missing you.....


From the song "I'll Be Missing You"

Angels All Around Us

The changes and transitions that occur in the experience of the soul at the moment of its passing must be extraordinary and mysterious. To have the companionship and guidance of angels at such a time is a gift of great comfort and peace.

----David Connolly, In Search of Angels

Sun and grief

I was interested in a website where it covered your horoscope and a spiritual message. I joined for awhile but later found it a bit too much for my taste. Some of the messages were good, particularly one about the sun and its healing power so I added my comment which I shall share here. I believe I had mentioned this earlier in my blog about how I felt the day after I found my son, but I can't help but repeat it. The feelings I had that day are etched in my mind. Sadly, there are many events up to and after that will forever be with me.

Someone made a comment on the John Denver song and wrote "Sunshine Makes Me Happy" and I wrote:
It was the morning of October '99 and I walked out onto my front porch and the sun was shining brightly and warmly. Tears were streaming down my face and I wondered how a day could be so beautiful and my heart was filled with such unbearable heartache and grief. On this day I had to make funeral arrangements for my son. I will never forget the sunshine of that day.

Here is the link to the website if you want to check it out: http://www.dailyom.com/

Photographs

After Paul died I would look at photos of him in the many albums I had. Any picture I loved of him, no matter what age, went into a picture frame. There were pictures of him by himself,with me,with his brother, and pictures of the three of us. I have pictures of Paul and Jeff with their cousins when they were young and when they were all older. I was obsessed. When I ran out of space, I finally stopped!! Today in a newsletter from Compassionate Friends I found out why I had this obsession.

"There are two main reasons: 1) Parents are afraid that their children who died will be forgotten and everything will go on as if they never lived; and 2) this is one way to keep them in their lives everyday. Parents see, talk with, or know they can reach their living family members anytime, but this is one way that they can keep their children who died alive in their hearts everyday."

I should have known this, shouldn't I have? It made perfect sense when I read this in the newsletter, what a revelation about myself and many other bereaved parents for that matter. We often think we are crazy (bereaved parents) for the things we do and then we find out information like this so ........

...... it brings us back to one of the motto's of TCF,

"YOU ARE NOT ALONE".