Looking for answers

I mentioned that I was looking for answers on Paul's care by his doctor. I tried to get Paul's medical records and couldn't without going to a lawyer. In fact, I did see one and he passed me on to some other lawyer. It was too much for me to deal with alone so I simply gave up. One, because I was afraid of what I'd find out, and two, even if I possibly had recourse, nothing would bring my son back to me.

I later found out that it is not uncommon not to check for heart disease, if there are no symptoms. If Paul had them he did not share it with me or his friends.

I was disturbed to find out that Paul told his best friend, Jeff Klotz, that Paul felt that he would be lucky if he made to be 35. I don't know why Paul would say that, if it was a premonition or he knew something that he chose not to share. I will never know.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Sometime in June (this is 8 months after Paul died) I thought even though I had the autopsy report and found out that Paul had heart disease I had questions why this wasn't noticed by his doctor. Paul was going to a clinic and I was worried that perhaps they weren't thorough enough; this clinc was free for those who were employed and unable to afford health insurance. I talked to my doctor, who had once helped Paul. I wanted to know if they should have been looking for heart disease and he said not necessarily. While I was asking these questions I could not stop crying and my doctor asked me if I did a lot of crying. I was taken back by this question, of course I was, my son died. He then proceeded to write a script for Zoloft and said perhaps I needed counseling. I went through a program at work and scheduled an appointment with a counsler.

I was apprehensive about taking Zoloft, but I thought perhaps it would help me. I stayed on the drug for one week and I hated it. I felt absolutely nothing while taking it, I didn't cry but then I didn't laugh either, I was numb and felt nothing. Although the instructions said not to stop taking the drug without checking with the doctor, I stopped taking it. As for the counseling that was a joke, all she could concentrate on was that I was having a couple of beers every day and she labeled me an alcoholic.


What is wrong me? The doctor says I am depressed, the counselor says I am an alcoholic.I knew they were wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it, later I did. I was misdiagnosed....... I came to the conclusion that.... I was grieving. My child died, there is nothing wrong with me.

It is very important to know that there is no right or wrong was to grieve, there is no time limit on when you should "get better". More important, you are not crazy.You cannot compare yourself to others. You heal at your own pace. You can learn from others especially at Compassionate Friends on how to do this.

You must learn to be "Gentle with yourself".

Inappropriate Remarks

A mother who lost her child wrote a list to the late Ann Landers about hurtful and insensitive remarks that are encountered by the bereaved. I'd like to pass this list on here in my blog.

PLEASE-- don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be "over it".
PLEASE-- don't tell me he is in a better place.
He isn't here.
PLEASE-- don't say at least he isn't suffering
I haven't come to terms with why he had to
suffer at all.
PLEASE-- don't tell me you know how I feel,
unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE-- don't tell me to get on with my life
I'm still here I noticed.
PLEASE-- don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up"
PLEASE-- don't tell me God never makes a mistake.
You mean he did this to me on purpose?
PLEASE-- don't tell me at least you had him for
31 years. What year you would you choose for your
child to die.
PLEASE-- don't tell me God never gives you more
than you can bear. Who decides how much another
person can bear?

PLEASE-- just say you are sorry.
PLEASE-- just remember him if you do.
PLEASE-- just let me talk if I want to.
PLEASE-- just let me cry when I must.

I want to add two of "my own" remarks that I find insensitive.

ONE-- don't ask me "what was his name?".
his name didn't die with him, he had a life
and his name and his memory will always remain.

TWO-- dont tell me that I "must let him go"
You can eventually find peace, but you never
let go. Your child is a part of you.

One more thing, this next remark isn't inappropriate but relates to what a bereaved parent experiences. People have often said " I don't know how you do it" I think most bereaved parents would answer that we don't know either. We don't have a choice, we take each day one at a time.

Losing Friendships

After the death of a loved one you find out who are your friends and who are not. Sometimes this happens right away, and sometimes it takes a few months, even a year and more, but it happens. I know because it happened to me.

I do want to say that I value, appreciate, and love my dear friends who have been at my side. They are the old friends who knew and loved Paul, and the new ones who never had the chance to meet him. You know who you are.

To those that could not wait for me to "get better" or chose not to stay by my side, we could not have lost a friendship because there wasn't one to lose. This next verse is for you.

No Greater Pain

I know you mean well but you don't understand
There are no words to explain .......
Although on the surface I may appear fine,
Remember, I buried a child of mine
And there is no greater pain.

Grief is a taboo in our civilized world,
I despise this hideous game.
I must smile while going insane.
For God's sake, a part of me died,
You can't imagine how often I've cried
And there is no greater pain.

If I look well or laugh when you joke,
You think I'm my old self again
I'm raw inside, a shell of me,
The woman you knew can no longer be ...
And there is no greater pain.

Look deep in my eyes, acknowledge my loss
As my heart beats its hollow refrain.
I'm caught in a web of infinite whys
I'll mourn, for my son 'till the rest of me dies
And there is no greater pain.

Mother's Day

Oh, how I hated seeing all the advertisements on television and at the stores reminding us that Mother's Day was approaching. I'd turn off the TV, I'd look the other way. Why oh why did there have to be constant reminders that Mother's Day was going to be here, but Paul was not. This isn't a celebration, this is a time to mourn. Yes, I have another son and he means the world to me but my world was not complete my other son was gone.

It was a difficult day to get through then and will be again on May 8th of this year. I will do as I always do, first to think of Paul,read the last beautiful card that he gave me and then I will spend the rest of the day with Jeff and Rad (he is the wonderful man that came into my life last year, more about him later).

I have learned, especially in that first year, that the anticipation of a holiday, birthday, or any other important date is actually worse than the day itself. I believe that this is an important observation for a bereaved parents preservation. I learned this with help from another bereaved parent from Compassionate Friends. I will explain more about Compassionate Friends later but there is a link to it in this blog.

The Sweetest Angel

I would be remiss in not mentioning a poem written for me and in memory of Paul by a friend of his. Her name is Melody Holt and she lives in Metropolis. She wrote this soon after he died.

"The Sweetest Angel"

In the midst of all your pain and fears,
God will come to wipe away your tears.
And when your heart's lonely and downcast,
God will comfort you, He won't let it last.
In this painful loss,
Look at Jesus cross,
Remember he's not gone forever,
Someday we'll all be together.
Just think, Heaven is better now,
They have the sweetest Angel ever found.
And now, when you feel all alone, and like no one cares,
Please remember, you're in my thoughts,
and all of my prayers.

The Autopsy

One week before Christmas I received the report of the autopsy. You might recall at the time of Paul's death I really wasn't sure what the cause was. I thought he had an insulin reaction. I was very wrong, Paul died of a massive heart attack, the left ventricle was 90% blocked. I had no idea that Paul had heart disease. Yes, I do know that it is a complication from diabetes but I never suspected. The second cause was hypertension and then lastly diabetes. My questions were finally answered, it didn't make it any easier to accept Paul's death.

NEW YEAR

The new year comes
when the world is ready
for changes, resolutions--
great beginnings,

For us, to whom
that stroke of midnight means
a missing child remembered,
for us the new year comes
more like another darkness.

But let us not forget
that this may be the year
when love and hope and courage
find each other somewhere
in the darkness
to lift their voice and speak:
let there be light.

by Sascha
from the Sorrow and the Light

The Holidays and First's

Since I work at a casino, the hours there are 24/7, holidays included. It is impossible to request time off for them, even under extenuating circumstances. It was to be my first holiday without Paul and I had to work. In a way I thought it might be best to keep my mind off him and to keep busy. It didn't quite work out that way, but somehow I made it through the day. After I got home I called at my niece's house where I knew the whole family would be, celebrating Thanksgiving and my great niece's birthday. It didn't go well, I cried when I talked to my sister and then with my son Jeff, after I got off the phone with them I never felt so alone, a feeling that was going to stay with me for quite a long, long time. That was the first holiday hurdle to get through.

With the Christmas season approaching, I decided that I would not and did not want to get a tree and decorate. I knew I had to go Christmas shopping but my heart was not in it. I could not find the joy that I saw in others while preparing for the holidays. I was envious, I wanted to be a part of the celebration but there was nothing for me to celebrate, my son died two months ago. To make matters even worse, I received the autopsy report a week before Christmas.

Again, since I had to work the holiday, I went home and we "celebrated" the week before Christmas. Another first, Christmas without Paul.

New Year's Eve was especially hard. I was encouraged by Rhonda, her husband and our mutual friend Chandra to go out to dinner. Afterwards we went to Rhonda's house to ring in the New Year. The anticipated 2000 was here and all I could think of was how Paul was supposed to DJ at the American Legion. I couldn't control my tears and sadness,I felt so bad that I was ruining every one's holiday. I should have stayed at home.

So now the holidays are finally over and I could go back to "normal" everyday living. I had survived the firsts somehow, but I knew there were more to come.