Inappropriate Remarks

A mother who lost her child wrote a list to the late Ann Landers about hurtful and insensitive remarks that are encountered by the bereaved. I'd like to pass this list on here in my blog.

PLEASE-- don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be "over it".
PLEASE-- don't tell me he is in a better place.
He isn't here.
PLEASE-- don't say at least he isn't suffering
I haven't come to terms with why he had to
suffer at all.
PLEASE-- don't tell me you know how I feel,
unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE-- don't tell me to get on with my life
I'm still here I noticed.
PLEASE-- don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up"
PLEASE-- don't tell me God never makes a mistake.
You mean he did this to me on purpose?
PLEASE-- don't tell me at least you had him for
31 years. What year you would you choose for your
child to die.
PLEASE-- don't tell me God never gives you more
than you can bear. Who decides how much another
person can bear?

PLEASE-- just say you are sorry.
PLEASE-- just remember him if you do.
PLEASE-- just let me talk if I want to.
PLEASE-- just let me cry when I must.

I want to add two of "my own" remarks that I find insensitive.

ONE-- don't ask me "what was his name?".
his name didn't die with him, he had a life
and his name and his memory will always remain.

TWO-- dont tell me that I "must let him go"
You can eventually find peace, but you never
let go. Your child is a part of you.

One more thing, this next remark isn't inappropriate but relates to what a bereaved parent experiences. People have often said " I don't know how you do it" I think most bereaved parents would answer that we don't know either. We don't have a choice, we take each day one at a time.