The Holidays and First's

Since I work at a casino, the hours there are 24/7, holidays included. It is impossible to request time off for them, even under extenuating circumstances. It was to be my first holiday without Paul and I had to work. In a way I thought it might be best to keep my mind off him and to keep busy. It didn't quite work out that way, but somehow I made it through the day. After I got home I called at my niece's house where I knew the whole family would be, celebrating Thanksgiving and my great niece's birthday. It didn't go well, I cried when I talked to my sister and then with my son Jeff, after I got off the phone with them I never felt so alone, a feeling that was going to stay with me for quite a long, long time. That was the first holiday hurdle to get through.

With the Christmas season approaching, I decided that I would not and did not want to get a tree and decorate. I knew I had to go Christmas shopping but my heart was not in it. I could not find the joy that I saw in others while preparing for the holidays. I was envious, I wanted to be a part of the celebration but there was nothing for me to celebrate, my son died two months ago. To make matters even worse, I received the autopsy report a week before Christmas.

Again, since I had to work the holiday, I went home and we "celebrated" the week before Christmas. Another first, Christmas without Paul.

New Year's Eve was especially hard. I was encouraged by Rhonda, her husband and our mutual friend Chandra to go out to dinner. Afterwards we went to Rhonda's house to ring in the New Year. The anticipated 2000 was here and all I could think of was how Paul was supposed to DJ at the American Legion. I couldn't control my tears and sadness,I felt so bad that I was ruining every one's holiday. I should have stayed at home.

So now the holidays are finally over and I could go back to "normal" everyday living. I had survived the firsts somehow, but I knew there were more to come.