One more quote to share today, especially since I haven't been on here in awhile!

"I loved the boy with the utmost love of which my soul is capable of
and he is taken from me - yet in the agony of my spirit in
surrendering such a treasure, I feel a thousand times richer
than if I had never possessed it." ~~~~~~ William Wordsworth

A good friend posted this on her Facebook wall because like me, she lost a son and like me, has shed so many tears.

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love." -- Washington Irving

This was on Facebook. A site for grieving mothers

Your loss may still be fresh, raw and excruciating. You may find it hard to believe you can ever recover or heal from this horrible thing. It will take a long time, there's no way around that. But we include here a brief description of what usually happens after your grieving is finished, so you can survive now, with hope in the back of your mind. There are brighter days ahead.

The grieving process is a very personal and individual thing. Your unique relationship with your loved one, and the manner in which he died will dictate the length and depth of your own "roller coaster ride". There is no healthy way to shorten the process; there are no short cuts to the resolution of grief. You must let it run it's course.

There is also no "normal" amount of time for mourning. Some people adjust to a new life in a matter of months. Others take a year or more, or up to 2 years or longer to complete their grieving. Most take a year or two. The best length of time for you? Whatever you need.

Even after you are "done", you may experience grief feelings from time to time, especially during special dates and anniversaries, or during holidays. Expect it.

The end of grief does not mean that you forget your beloved, or cease to love them. When you experience a tragic loss, it breaks your heart.

•Can you mend your broken heart? Yes.
•Does this mean that you are dishonoring your loved one? No.
•Will you ever forget them? No.
•Will they always have a place in your heart? Yes.



Complicated Grief is the final type of loss. This is when the grieving process does not progress over time as it should. The intensity of feelings and length of time is severe and prolonged and interferes with your ability to function. You may even fall into a true depression or anxiety disorder.

The hallmark of complicated grief is that the thoughts, reactions and behaviors do not change or improve as time goes on. Most people know when they are stuck in a grief that will not resolve. Complicated grief usually will not conclude on it's own, and requires the help of a professional counselor to resolve it.
We must go through grief in a healthy way to let our loved ones find peace in the spirit world, while we can't move on here fortunately they can over there.

Hold On

Hold on to what is good even if it is a handful of earth.
Hold on to what you believe even if it is a tree which stands by itself.
Hold on to what you must do even if it is a long way from here.
Hold on to life even when it is easier letting go.
Hold on to my hand even when I have gone away from you.

- Pueblo Blessing

From TCF

TO THOSE WHO LOOK AWAY

To those who look away
when I grow teary-eyed in the baby department,
look a little deeper.

Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those who change the subject
when I speak my sons' names,
change your way of thinking.

It just might change your whole life.

To those who roll their eyes
and say that we barely had them at all,
how could we miss them so much,
in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times.
We have seen their first steps, first day of school,
their weddings, and their children.

We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another,
we did. I thank God for her everyday,
but even if I have twenty more babies,
I will forever have two in the grave,
and that is two too many.

To those who say to get on with my life,
I have. It is a different life,

The life of a grieving mother.

One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for,
but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of!

Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,
but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.
Do not dismiss us:

we have shaped more than just the future generation.
We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to US
and you just might see THEM.

~~~ Author Unknown ~~~

On Facebook/The Compassionate Friends page

This poem is written by a bereaved mother.

The road to Sorrow was a short road.
I was there before I knew it.
The road to Healing is a long road.
The Healing Road will be found if I want, wait and look long enough.
Some days I travel easily,
making good time.
Other days each step feels like a mile,
and I don't care if I ever arrive.
My sorrow is real. I can feel it,
and I see it everywhere I look.
This road named Sorrow never ends,
no matter how many milles I walk.
After a time, Sorrow Road doesn't seem to always be uphill.
I can find many ways to walk down hill, among the living.

Tonya M. Sandoval
September 9, 2011

Remembrance

I'M THERE INSIDE YOUR HEART

Right now I'm in a different place,

And though we seem apart,

I'm closer than I ever was ...

I'm there inside your heart.

I'm with you when you greet each day

And while the sun shines bright,

I'm there to share the sunsets, too ...

I'm with you every night.

I'm with you when the times are good,

To share a laugh or two,

And if a tear should start to fall ...

I'll still be there for you.

And when that day arrives

That we no longer are apart,

I'll smile and hold you close to me ...

Forever in my heart.

Debra Reagan

Paul McDonald Dancing With The Angels - Meg Ingram

To Live in Hearts We Leave Behind Is Not To Die

I found this online and sent it to my sister on the 4th anniversary when Jill died.

Remember me on quiet days,
While rain drops whisper on your pane.
But in your memories have no grief.
Let just the joy we knew remain.
Remember me when evening stars
Smile down on you with quiet eyes.
Remember me if once you awake
To catch a glimpse of red sunrise.
Remember me when spring walks by.
Think once of me when you are glad.
When you are happy, so am I.
And when your thoughts do turn to me,
Know that I would not have you cry.
But live for me and laugh for me,
And while you live,
I shall not die.

~~Author Unknown

Why I changed the title of my blog!

I started my blog in 2001 thanks to a friend at the time, Barb. I titled it Grief and my Journey of Healing. Today I changed the title.

Actually, there is no healing from grief, it never goes away. Oh, the intensity lessens, you don't cry everyday but ....... it is still there, my son died and he is never coming back.

There is not one day that goes by where I don't think about him.

It's weird his brother, Jeff is sounding more and more like him!! My imagination or was it always there?

Today on Facebook, The Compassionate Friends asked a question, "Does time heal all wounds?"

My comment was no!!! I will never heal, accept perhaps, but never heal.

So that is why and what lead me to write this entry.

Looking at Life and Death in a Different Way!

This quote if from Pierre Teilhard de Chardin, who was a French Jesuit priest trained as a paleontologist and a philosopher, (1 May 1881 – 10 April 1955). and wrote this:

We are not human beings having a spiritual experience; we are spiritual beings having a human experience.

Paraphrased variant: We are not human beings on a spiritual journey. We are spiritual beings on a human journey.

Quote of the month from The Compassionate Friends. I am sharing since for one it is very true, and secondly, this is the anniversary week for Paul. I say week because it was not just one day, but the days that followed I will never forget. I guess I should be more private about it, but then that's not me!! It's not even that I want attention or anyone to feel sorry for me and for Jeff!! I just I don't want anyone to forget Paul.

Quote of the Month:

From the outside looking in you can never understand and from the inside looking out you can never explain. ~ Author unknown

Some People

Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us
...to new understanding
with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make
the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile,
leave footprints on our hearts
And we are never, ever the same.

~~ By Flavia, poet and bereaved mother

From a comment in Facebook

When we don't speak of those we love who have died, only then have they truly died.

From TCF

If you mention my child's name
I may cry.
But if you don't mention it,
...you will break my heart ~ author unknown

Mother's Day ---2010 In Memory of Paul

The words below is a song sung by Celtic Woman, Lisa Kelly, it is called

Send Me a Song

Take the wave now and know that you're free
Turn your back the land, face the sea
Face the wind now, so wild and so strong
When you think of me, wave to me and send me song
Don't look back when you reach the new shore
Don't forget what you're leaving me for
Don't forget when you're missing me so
Love must never hold, never hold tight, but let go
Oh, the nights will be long when I'm not in your arms
But I'll be in this song that you sing to me
Across the sea, somehow, someday
You will be far away, so far from me
And maybe someday I will follow you in all you do
'Til then, send me a song
When the sun sets the water on fire
When the wind swells the sails of your hire
Let the call of the bird on the wind
Calm your sadness and loneliness
And then start to sing to me
I will sing to you
If you promise to send me a song
I walk by the shore and I hear
Hear your song come so faint and so clear
And I catch it, a breath on the wind
And I smile and I sing you a song
I will send you a song
I will sing you a song
I will sing to you
If you promise to send me a song

This is written by a bereaved mother

The Silver Tears

And so it begins
Silver tears falling like soft rain
Cascading downward on it's sad journey
Arriving at my empty soul and shattered heart
The silver tears come because we are apart
I try to see the beauty in things
I yearn to be... near the warm sun
I listen for laughter and beauty
but the sliver tears just bide their time
for they know
that behind every smile
every warm embrace
The reality of you being gone
will let the silver tears escape
and so it begins
written by
Louise Lagerman

Memories

Today as I was cleaning the condo and while in the bathroom I had a scary moment. I was moving things around on the bathroom vanity I heard the bowl in my hand clink against the porcelain sink. My heart sank as I thought I might have broken the bowl. Now this bowl is old and anyone one would think what’s the big deal? It doesn’t look like it’s worth anything. But it is special; Paul gave it to me and there is a story behind it. Of course the story is meaningful only to me, but if another bereaved parent should read this they would understand.

Paul was about 24 years old and just moved into an apartment that he shared with another young man. Some time later his roommate moved out. It wasn’t long after I had stopped by and noticed this pretty, but chipped bowl on the table. It had an antique look to it so I commented how I thought it was pretty and where did it come from. Well his old roommate left it behind. I asked him if I could have it and he said not really he used it for his cereal. Time went by and I had forgotten all about the bowl until one day out of the blue, Paul asked me if I still wanted it. I said yes and then he handed it over to me. It is not like it was a huge sacrifice or any big deal, but the story is a special memory. There is just a bit more to my story that I want to add. Time had passed and I was out shopping and found this big white bowl and printed in blue, it said cereal bowl. Perfect!! I bought it so I could replace the pretty bowl that Paul had given to me. I kept the big cereal bowl for a very long time and then I gave it to Jeff, Paul’s brother. Jeff and I do that from time to time, swap things that are Pauls. We share his precious things and relive our precious memories.

September 3rd

There is not one day that goes by where I don't think about Paul but yesterday my thoughts were mainly of him, it was his birthday. I sent a message to Paul in a red balloon and watched it sail up so high that surely it made it to heaven. I watched until I could no longer see it.

Happy Birthday my love!!

There Must Be A Reason

That We Can't See,There Must Be A Reason Why

A Reason We Must Take On Faith

As We Do The Sun On High

For We Know That Life Is A Journey

Sometimes Long And Sometimes Brief

A Journey On Which We All Find Joy

Mingled With Sadness And Grief

So Try To Remember The Joy Today

However Hard It May Be

And Trust You'll Find Comfort

When You Know,

The Reason You Now Can Not See.