Today is Paul's Birthday ...

... and although I kept myself busy, my thoughts would drift back to him and his life. I had wanted to post this paragraph before and today is a good day for it, it is from the program for the Mass of Resurrection for Jill. May Jill and Paul rest in peace and our families memory of them will forever be in our hearts.

A Family is .....

A family is a deeply rooted tree with branches of different strengths, all receiving nourishment from an infinite source. Family is where character is formed, values are learned, ethics are created, and society is preserved. Family is where all members, contribute and share, cooperate and work, and accept their responsibilities toward the group. Family is where the holidays are celebrated with feasting, birthdays acknowledged with gifts, and thoughts of days gone by are kept alive with fond remembrances. Family is where each can find solace and comfort in grief, pleasure and laughter in joy, and kindness and encouragement in daily living. Family is a haven of rest, a sanctuary of peace, and most of all, a harbor of love.

Happy Birthday Paul, I love you and miss you with all my heart.
Mom

A QUOTE FROM TCF

Quote of the Month

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.

Let me learn from you, love you, savor you, bless you before you depart.

Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

Let me hold you while I may, for it will not always be so.

One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow,

or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky,

and want more than all the world for your return.

by Mary Jean Irion

Remember Me

Remember Me:

To the living I am gone
To the sorrowful, I will never return
To the angry, I was cheated
But to the happy, I am at peace
And to the faithful, I have never left.
I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.
So as you stand upon a shore, gazing at the beautiful sea
Remember me.
As you look in awe at a mighty forest and its grand majesty
Remember me.
As you look upon a flower and admire it's simplicity
Remember me.
Remember me in your heart, your thoughts
and your memories of the times we loved,
the times we cried, the times we fought,
the times we laughed.
For if you always think of me, I will have never gone.....


This poem,
is in Memory Of My Niece,
Jill


This poem is for my sister Rose who
sent it to me for comfort.
Life has dealt us both such sadness and heartache.

A quote from a bereaved mother

Anne Morrow Lindbergh

“I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness, and the willingness to remain vulnerable.”

Anne Lindbergh had great happiness and great tragedy in her life. Her book “Hour of Gold, Hour of Lead” is the diary she kept at the time her son was kidnapped. It is truly heartrending.

Quote of the Month from TCF

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,

and you shall see that in truth you are weeping

for that which has been your delight.

From The Prophet

by Kahlil Gibran

Quotes

I joined a website called 43 things some time ago and it is a neat place to visit and belong to.
http://www.43things.com/ On this web site, you can place your goals and places you'd like to visit. You can also list goals you have accomplished. It is also a great way to meet people anonymously, I have also found some bereaved parents on it. One of my goals is to add quotes when I find one that especially relates to me or find funny or inspirational or just plain neat!

All of this explanation brings me to this ........ a quote from Paul that he recorded on a tape when introducing a song.

"Peace and happiness to everyone but love life"

That's my boy!!!! : )

My plan did not work,see my earlier post today!

You see, what I did today was:
write Paul a message
placed the message in a helium balloon
went to Conkey Woods,the forest preserve where he played baseball.
I sat in my car and played the CD "Precious Child"
I couldn't help but cry
I walked to the meadow, stared up into the blue sky
talked to Paul and then released the balloon
the strong wind carried it to him.

Now at home
I have candles lit in remembrance
of my son, he is always with me!

Today is just another day, yeah right.

It is seven years ago that my life changed forever and I am trying to go about it as though nothing happened. Yesterday, today and the days to come are going to be "just another day" and I am going to be like Scarlet and just think about it tomorrow. I am just going to go through the motions and pretend that this is just another ordinary week.

Except......

My every thought is of you Paul, even though I try to pretend that these days are just like any others, I can't. I miss you and love you with all my heart. I pray that you are happy in your eternal life.

Paul, I am reading about communication with "the other side" and I hope that you want and will try to communicate with me. I am looking for signs in hope that we can reach each other. Someday I will see you again but till then know that...........

every step I take, every move I make, every day, I'll be missing you.
Love,Ma

This is big!!!

I have made a giant step forward in healing. Let me explain.

I had mentioned earlier in my blog that Paul's funeral was on October 31, 1999. Yes, on Halloween, nothing like another huge reminder of the saddest day of my life each year!

In the past, as a child and in the years to come with my boys, Halloween was always a fun and anticipated day. That ended 7 years ago. Just recently this is where the signs of my healing is beginning to show. I had bought this gorgeous wreath to put on my front door and after talking with the shopkeeper had decided in order to keep with the holidays I would add something in the center of this wreath. So I went ahead and bought an ugly old witch made of cloth and placed it in the wreath the other day. In addition, I was shopping at Walgreens and bought a skeleton pen with fuzzy orange stuff and it lights up when you write and a necklace shaped like a pumpkin to wear at work on Halloween. I am telling you that this is really more steps in the right direction and I think Paul would approve.

Funny though, I unintentionally bought 3 things .... Paul's favorite number!!!

Dedicated to my sons

L’INCONTRO
(The Meeting)
Poem by Andrea Bocelli



While like a giant-proud and happy
I take my baby in my arms Fragile, innocent, and alive
And like a little bird He’s pushing against my chest
Abandoned quiet and safe For an instant - almost sweetly
My destiny appears to me like a dream

And I see myself, old and surrendered,
Seated there near the coalfire
Waiting for the evening with the anxiety of a child.
Just to see him coming back home
With the gift of his smile, Of his words and kindness
It’s like a promise that can solve the enormous joy
Of one of his caresses

Then I wake up and I have already forgotten
But inside of me the kid’s trapped soul advises me
That this new born child is already more important to me
Than of my own life…………..

……………. And I stood in front of him for awhile
and listened around and took him in my arms

He opened his hand and touched my nose and
brushed against my mouth

I held him and my world turned more
Around us everything blossomed

I stood still for awhile And it was there that time found us again

He opened his hand then touched my nose and then I smiled

I held him and the world turned more
Around us everything blossomed

The world is a tiny point of blue light
That turns and moves with the breath of angels

I held him and the world turned more

That turns are moves with the breath of angels

I held him and stood just so, just so ……….

Paul's Birthday----2006

Happy Birthday Paul!! You are always in my thoughts, but this month especially more so. Rad and I went out and enjoyed this beautiful day. It was made even more special when we went to the Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum and visited the butterfly conservatory. It was a beautiful sight especially knowing the significance of the butterfly to life here and beyond.

You were on the minds of many today which I know you had to sense. I talked to Jeff and he told me as he worked though the night his thoughts were mostly of you. Barbara and I talked of you in the morning, I had messages when I returned this evening from Auntie Rose, your cousin Jackie, my neighbor Cheryl and emails from Ruthie and Nancy. How nice to know we are loved. You are alive in my heart and memories. Happy Birthday my first born son, I love you now and always.


More on butterflies:

The butterfly is a symbol of hope.
Think of the first stage of its life - as a caterpillar, like us, crawling on the earth.
Then comes the chrysalis - apparently dead - as when we put the body in a casket.
The 3rd stage, is the beautiful butterfly - completely changed - a free spirit, no longer earth-bound.

Photographs (continued from below)

When I wrote below of favorite photographs, well this is another favorite. Paul had emptied out his toy box, took off his pants, put on that knitted cap and the red boots. There was another picture I took before this one and his back was to me looking into the toy box and his little tiny bare butt was showing. So darned cute!!!

"The Five People You Meet In Heaven"

I recently read the above titled book and these two paragraphs made an impression on me that I would like to share.

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it".

"Life has to end. Love doesn't".

Another Mother's Day Without You

Loving you now and forever Paul, I miss you with all my heart.



Every step I take, Every move I make, Every single day, Everytime I pray, I'll be missing you, Thinking of the day, When you went away, What a life to take, What a bond to break, I'll be missing you.....


From the song "I'll Be Missing You"

Angels All Around Us

The changes and transitions that occur in the experience of the soul at the moment of its passing must be extraordinary and mysterious. To have the companionship and guidance of angels at such a time is a gift of great comfort and peace.

----David Connolly, In Search of Angels

Sun and grief

I was interested in a website where it covered your horoscope and a spiritual message. I joined for awhile but later found it a bit too much for my taste. Some of the messages were good, particularly one about the sun and its healing power so I added my comment which I shall share here. I believe I had mentioned this earlier in my blog about how I felt the day after I found my son, but I can't help but repeat it. The feelings I had that day are etched in my mind. Sadly, there are many events up to and after that will forever be with me.

Someone made a comment on the John Denver song and wrote "Sunshine Makes Me Happy" and I wrote:
It was the morning of October '99 and I walked out onto my front porch and the sun was shining brightly and warmly. Tears were streaming down my face and I wondered how a day could be so beautiful and my heart was filled with such unbearable heartache and grief. On this day I had to make funeral arrangements for my son. I will never forget the sunshine of that day.

Here is the link to the website if you want to check it out: http://www.dailyom.com/

Photographs

After Paul died I would look at photos of him in the many albums I had. Any picture I loved of him, no matter what age, went into a picture frame. There were pictures of him by himself,with me,with his brother, and pictures of the three of us. I have pictures of Paul and Jeff with their cousins when they were young and when they were all older. I was obsessed. When I ran out of space, I finally stopped!! Today in a newsletter from Compassionate Friends I found out why I had this obsession.

"There are two main reasons: 1) Parents are afraid that their children who died will be forgotten and everything will go on as if they never lived; and 2) this is one way to keep them in their lives everyday. Parents see, talk with, or know they can reach their living family members anytime, but this is one way that they can keep their children who died alive in their hearts everyday."

I should have known this, shouldn't I have? It made perfect sense when I read this in the newsletter, what a revelation about myself and many other bereaved parents for that matter. We often think we are crazy (bereaved parents) for the things we do and then we find out information like this so ........

...... it brings us back to one of the motto's of TCF,

"YOU ARE NOT ALONE".

Christmas Eve 2005

I am back to the present now and I really had no intentions of posting anything on this day, that is, until I talked to Jeff this evening.

My day on this Christmas Eve was going to be a fairly busy, one where I would be preparing some things to take to Rad's house for Christmas dinner. Yes, he is cooking, as he always has done with his daughters, and as I had done with my sons in the past. Now we would be combining our families to one. He is doing most of the cooking since I am still on medical leave and can't handle doing it all.How lucky am I to find a man that loves me and can cook! My thoughts today as I was cutting up the onions and celery for the stuffing, was in the future because next year Rad and I will be living together.

As I was chopping away I decided to put on some music. The other day I came across a tape, the "Eric Clapton Unplugged" and I decided to play it, as it is a favorite of mine. I knew the risk of playing it, as I will explain, but I went ahead. I was enjoying the music and then "Tears In Heaven" started. The emotions that I had been holding back,came out. You see, when deciding what music to play at the funeral service for Paul, I chose "Tears In Heaven". Today,I was listening, but picturing Paul lying in the casket. This is a memory I try to avoid.

Families should be together during the holidays and when one is missing, it is so very hard. My thoughts turned to Paul and how I longed for him to be back with us again. I thought of holidays we had celebrated and was saddened that it can no longer be.

After reflecting on the past, I listened to the rest of the tape and then put on some blues by Etta James and got back to my tasks.

During the course of the day I spoke with Jeff on several occasions to discuss many things like what time he was picking me up on Christmas Day to take me to Rad's and what time we are to be at my sister's house on Monday to celebrate with her and her family. At one point, he kept calling we would talk and then he'd call back. Each time he called I put the music on pause after I answered and he commented on how I was really jamming! I laughed and then decided not to tell him of my thoughts of Paul. He told me of his plans for the evening, spending it with his friend Richie. I did mention too bad I wasn't going to see him but then I sluffed it off, telling him I'd see him tomorrow anyway.

A little before 9 P.M. I was on the couch, with a cup of tea and engrossed in the book I am reading when Jeff called. He really took me by surprise and I asked him if all was ok and he said he felt sad knowing that I was home alone. He also said that he could not stop thinking of Paul and me. He said that he could not have a good time with these thoughts and he needed to talk to me. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but held back. I told him that I had been thinking of Paul too. Then I told him that he needed to get back to his friends and have a good time, that I was fine here with my book and tea. I then told him he was the best son and that I loved him very much and now go have fun.

When we hung up, I let the tears fall and then I thanked God for giving me such a wonderful and loving son. Then I thanked Him for giving me two sons to love.

So I am not alone on this Christmas Eve, my sons are with me always in heart and mind.

Remembrance Book

Every year, around the world, our children are remembered in a candlelight service started by The Compassionate Friends. This occurs in December at 7 P.M. local times. TCF chapters prepare a program that you can attend or you can light a candle at home. The purpose is to have a continuous light. The theme is that "Their Light May Always Shine". On their web site there is also a Remembrance Book. In this book anyone can write a message to a loved one that has "Gone Too Soon". This book can also be viewed. There is a chat room available also. I wrote a message to Paul and in addition, read the heartbreaking messages from mothers, fathers, siblings, and friends. There were three verses that particularly seem poignant to me that I would like to share.

First:

The tide recedes,
But leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down
But gentle warmth,
Still lingers on the land.
The music stops
And yet it echoes on
In sweet refrains...
For every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains.


Second:

"And can it be that in a world
So full and busy
The loss of one creature
Makes a void in any heart
So wide and deep
That nothing but
Width and depth of eternity
Can fill it up!"
-DICKENS

And lastly:

THE MEMORIES WILL LET YOUR SOUL LIVE, YOUR SPIRIT WILL FLY.

My Journey Home and how it began

As planned, I went back to Chicago and spent Christmas with my family. This is now my second year without Paul. I did put up a tree, but a small one. There were a lot of reasons to put one up, one being the precious memories that were contained in the boxes of Christmas decorations and ornaments. Especially the homemade ornaments from when the boys were young. They were bittersweet memories, but memories that I wanted to recall. I must add that Rhonda helped me to decorate and we laughed and had a good time. She said it was good to hear me laugh and be my old self again. She still did not realize that I would never be the same. Our friendship was becoming strained, she would, and had, made comments that bordered on the fact that she thought I should move on. How could she understand, she did not have a child of her own and would never know the bond and love for a child. Some people had even made comments that I should let him go!!! So insensitive.

In January, and back to the everday routines of work and home, I found myself yearning to go back to Chicago. I felt it was where I needed to be. Everywhere I went there were reminders of Paul, not that I needed them, he was always on my mind. From the day he died and till today he is always with me. I would drive down I24 and it would remind me of the day I found him, the frantic drive and my fearful thoughts of what I would find. Everyday, going to work I would drive past where Paul worked and the first little place he lived in. The worst was when I drove past the mobile home he lived and died in. Southern Illinois was supposed to be a new beginning for me, friendships were gone, the charm was gone. All that was left was intense grief.

It was then that I decided to sell my house. In addition, I was able to put in a transfer at the casino I worked at for one up north. On September 1st 2001, I came back home!