Angels All Around Us

The changes and transitions that occur in the experience of the soul at the moment of its passing must be extraordinary and mysterious. To have the companionship and guidance of angels at such a time is a gift of great comfort and peace.

----David Connolly, In Search of Angels

Sun and grief

I was interested in a website where it covered your horoscope and a spiritual message. I joined for awhile but later found it a bit too much for my taste. Some of the messages were good, particularly one about the sun and its healing power so I added my comment which I shall share here. I believe I had mentioned this earlier in my blog about how I felt the day after I found my son, but I can't help but repeat it. The feelings I had that day are etched in my mind. Sadly, there are many events up to and after that will forever be with me.

Someone made a comment on the John Denver song and wrote "Sunshine Makes Me Happy" and I wrote:
It was the morning of October '99 and I walked out onto my front porch and the sun was shining brightly and warmly. Tears were streaming down my face and I wondered how a day could be so beautiful and my heart was filled with such unbearable heartache and grief. On this day I had to make funeral arrangements for my son. I will never forget the sunshine of that day.

Here is the link to the website if you want to check it out: http://www.dailyom.com/

Photographs

After Paul died I would look at photos of him in the many albums I had. Any picture I loved of him, no matter what age, went into a picture frame. There were pictures of him by himself,with me,with his brother, and pictures of the three of us. I have pictures of Paul and Jeff with their cousins when they were young and when they were all older. I was obsessed. When I ran out of space, I finally stopped!! Today in a newsletter from Compassionate Friends I found out why I had this obsession.

"There are two main reasons: 1) Parents are afraid that their children who died will be forgotten and everything will go on as if they never lived; and 2) this is one way to keep them in their lives everyday. Parents see, talk with, or know they can reach their living family members anytime, but this is one way that they can keep their children who died alive in their hearts everyday."

I should have known this, shouldn't I have? It made perfect sense when I read this in the newsletter, what a revelation about myself and many other bereaved parents for that matter. We often think we are crazy (bereaved parents) for the things we do and then we find out information like this so ........

...... it brings us back to one of the motto's of TCF,

"YOU ARE NOT ALONE".

Christmas Eve 2005

I am back to the present now and I really had no intentions of posting anything on this day, that is, until I talked to Jeff this evening.

My day on this Christmas Eve was going to be a fairly busy, one where I would be preparing some things to take to Rad's house for Christmas dinner. Yes, he is cooking, as he always has done with his daughters, and as I had done with my sons in the past. Now we would be combining our families to one. He is doing most of the cooking since I am still on medical leave and can't handle doing it all.How lucky am I to find a man that loves me and can cook! My thoughts today as I was cutting up the onions and celery for the stuffing, was in the future because next year Rad and I will be living together.

As I was chopping away I decided to put on some music. The other day I came across a tape, the "Eric Clapton Unplugged" and I decided to play it, as it is a favorite of mine. I knew the risk of playing it, as I will explain, but I went ahead. I was enjoying the music and then "Tears In Heaven" started. The emotions that I had been holding back,came out. You see, when deciding what music to play at the funeral service for Paul, I chose "Tears In Heaven". Today,I was listening, but picturing Paul lying in the casket. This is a memory I try to avoid.

Families should be together during the holidays and when one is missing, it is so very hard. My thoughts turned to Paul and how I longed for him to be back with us again. I thought of holidays we had celebrated and was saddened that it can no longer be.

After reflecting on the past, I listened to the rest of the tape and then put on some blues by Etta James and got back to my tasks.

During the course of the day I spoke with Jeff on several occasions to discuss many things like what time he was picking me up on Christmas Day to take me to Rad's and what time we are to be at my sister's house on Monday to celebrate with her and her family. At one point, he kept calling we would talk and then he'd call back. Each time he called I put the music on pause after I answered and he commented on how I was really jamming! I laughed and then decided not to tell him of my thoughts of Paul. He told me of his plans for the evening, spending it with his friend Richie. I did mention too bad I wasn't going to see him but then I sluffed it off, telling him I'd see him tomorrow anyway.

A little before 9 P.M. I was on the couch, with a cup of tea and engrossed in the book I am reading when Jeff called. He really took me by surprise and I asked him if all was ok and he said he felt sad knowing that I was home alone. He also said that he could not stop thinking of Paul and me. He said that he could not have a good time with these thoughts and he needed to talk to me. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but held back. I told him that I had been thinking of Paul too. Then I told him that he needed to get back to his friends and have a good time, that I was fine here with my book and tea. I then told him he was the best son and that I loved him very much and now go have fun.

When we hung up, I let the tears fall and then I thanked God for giving me such a wonderful and loving son. Then I thanked Him for giving me two sons to love.

So I am not alone on this Christmas Eve, my sons are with me always in heart and mind.

Remembrance Book

Every year, around the world, our children are remembered in a candlelight service started by The Compassionate Friends. This occurs in December at 7 P.M. local times. TCF chapters prepare a program that you can attend or you can light a candle at home. The purpose is to have a continuous light. The theme is that "Their Light May Always Shine". On their web site there is also a Remembrance Book. In this book anyone can write a message to a loved one that has "Gone Too Soon". This book can also be viewed. There is a chat room available also. I wrote a message to Paul and in addition, read the heartbreaking messages from mothers, fathers, siblings, and friends. There were three verses that particularly seem poignant to me that I would like to share.

First:

The tide recedes,
But leaves behind
Bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down
But gentle warmth,
Still lingers on the land.
The music stops
And yet it echoes on
In sweet refrains...
For every joy that passes
Something beautiful remains.


Second:

"And can it be that in a world
So full and busy
The loss of one creature
Makes a void in any heart
So wide and deep
That nothing but
Width and depth of eternity
Can fill it up!"
-DICKENS

And lastly:

THE MEMORIES WILL LET YOUR SOUL LIVE, YOUR SPIRIT WILL FLY.

My Journey Home and how it began

As planned, I went back to Chicago and spent Christmas with my family. This is now my second year without Paul. I did put up a tree, but a small one. There were a lot of reasons to put one up, one being the precious memories that were contained in the boxes of Christmas decorations and ornaments. Especially the homemade ornaments from when the boys were young. They were bittersweet memories, but memories that I wanted to recall. I must add that Rhonda helped me to decorate and we laughed and had a good time. She said it was good to hear me laugh and be my old self again. She still did not realize that I would never be the same. Our friendship was becoming strained, she would, and had, made comments that bordered on the fact that she thought I should move on. How could she understand, she did not have a child of her own and would never know the bond and love for a child. Some people had even made comments that I should let him go!!! So insensitive.

In January, and back to the everday routines of work and home, I found myself yearning to go back to Chicago. I felt it was where I needed to be. Everywhere I went there were reminders of Paul, not that I needed them, he was always on my mind. From the day he died and till today he is always with me. I would drive down I24 and it would remind me of the day I found him, the frantic drive and my fearful thoughts of what I would find. Everyday, going to work I would drive past where Paul worked and the first little place he lived in. The worst was when I drove past the mobile home he lived and died in. Southern Illinois was supposed to be a new beginning for me, friendships were gone, the charm was gone. All that was left was intense grief.

It was then that I decided to sell my house. In addition, I was able to put in a transfer at the casino I worked at for one up north. On September 1st 2001, I came back home!

Thanksgiving 2000

The time is now one month after surgey and I am still on medical leave. It is Thanksgiving Day and plans were made to spend it with my friends Rhonda,Bud and his family. We had a good time but I missed my family. Early Friday morning I was talking with Jeff's wife, Dawn, (now ex) and she talked of how they were going to my niece's house that evening to celebrate Rosie's birthday (my great niece). I felt so bad that I would not be with my family and it was at that point I wondered if I could just drive home. I called my doctor and asked if I was at a point in recovery where I could drive 350 miles. He said yes, but take it easy and make a lot of stops. I said I would, but knew I would not!! I was used to driving home straight through with usually one stop where I would take a bathroom break, gas up the car and grab something at McDonalds. A little surgery was not going to slow me down. I called Dawn to let her know I was coming but we would make it a surprise. I called my neighbors Bob & Gladys to let them know, they would keep an eye on my house along with Ruth, my other neighbor, who took care of my cats. I packed lightly and left.

At around 7PM, I showed up at Jackie's house (my niece), at the same time as Jeff. He walked in first and then me, the look on my family's face was priceless!! They were so surprised to see me. Of course it was a great evening and I was so happy to be with my family. I stayed for a few days and then headed back home, knowing that I would be back for Christmas.

Note: my reference to two homes!!!! one in Southern Illinois and one in Chicago!!

Back to my personal story

I really got sidetracked since last April with entries from Compassionate Friends and other verses. My hope, for anyone that might read this, is to know that they are not alone.

Going back into my blog in April, I wrote how I was looking for answers on Paul's death, coming to terms that there was nothing "wrong" with me, and of lost friends. I do want to add a little about the "friends" and that is "you can't truly lose what you never had".

In September of 2000 my sister Rose, devoting herself to keeping me busy, thought it would be fun for us to meet halfway in Arcola, Illinois and go antiquing and check out specialty shops. We also stayed overnight in a B&B, such a treat.The day before I had a medical test done and she constantly showed her concern, asking me if I was feeling ok! We had a great time, she helped me to get back on the road of living again.

On the one year anniversary date of Paul's death I was unable to go to the cemetery. I came home from the hospital after having a hysterectomy on that very day. I felt so bad that I could not go, but in retrospect, perhaps it was the best. Later I came to realize, especially after moving away, that going to the cemetery in the fall or on the anniversary date is so very hard. It brings me back to 1999 when it all happened. Being at the cemetery, looking at his grave and headstone, hearing the leaves fall, the sky being so gray, and the feeling of being so cold. They were stark reminders that he was truly gone.

Rose came down from Chicago to take care of me while recuperating from surgery. She cooked, cleaned, we drove to town, and we watched a ton of movies. We rented every movie we missed, and watched good ones over again. She stayed for one week and made my healing easier. Yes, healing, both my body and my mind.

Your Compassionate Friend

This is from my local chapter TCF newsletter:

I can tell by that look friend, that we need to talk.
So come take my hand and let's go for a walk.
See, I'm not like the others - I won't shy away,
Because I want to hear what you've got to say.

Your child has died and you need to be heard,
But they don't want to hear a single word.
They say your child's with God, so be strong,
They say all the "right" things that somehow seem wrong.

I'll walk in your shoes for more than a mile,
I'll wait while you cry and be glad if you smile.
I won't criticize you or judge you or scorn,
I'll just stay and listen 'til night turns to morn.

Yes, the journey is hard and unbearably long.
And I know that you think that you're not quite that strong,
So just take my hand 'cause I've time to spare,
And I know how it hurts, friend, for I have been there.

See, I owe a debt you can help me repay,
For not long ago, I was helped the same way.
And I stumbled and fell through a world so unreal,
So believe when I say that I know how you feel.

I don't look for praise or financial gain,
And I'm sure not the kind who gets joy out of pain,
I'm just a strong shoulder who'll be here 'til the end-
I'll be your Compassionate Friend.

-Steven L. Channing TCF of Winnipeg, Canada

IN LOVING MEMORY OF PAUL

PRECIOUS CHILD

Words by Karen Taylor-Good

In my dreams, you are alive and well
Precious child, precious child
In my mind, I see you clear as a bell
Precious child, precious child
In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart, there is hope
'Cause you are with me still

In my heart, you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

In my plans, I was the first to leave
Precious child, precious child
But in this world, I was left here to grieve
Precious child, my precious child

In my soul, there is a hole
That can never be filled
But in my heart there is hope
And you are with me still

In my heart you live on
Always there, never gone
Precious child, you left too soon,
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

God knows I want to hold you,
See you, touch you
And maybe there's a heaven
And someday I will again
Please know you are not forgotten until then


In my heart you live on
Always there never gone
Precious child, you left too soon
Tho' it may be true that we're apart
You will live forever... in my heart

(This song was written by Karen Taylor-Good in memory of her nephew. It is a song that is played at meetings at Compassionate Friends. You can hear it by going to www.compassionatefriends.org click on chapter websites, go to the state of Kentucky, and click on the Bluegrass Chapter, and lastly find it on the home page and click on "precious Child". Be prepared to shed tears).

REMEMBERING PAUL

Today it is six years ago that Paul died. His death certificate says October 28, 1999 because that is the day I found him. The next few days hold memories no parent should ever have, but unfortunately, life holds such tragedy. I will try to concentrate on the good times but it is hard not to remember the terrible days that I had to face.

Paul, you are always in my heart, you are always with me. I love you and miss you so much.

The Ron Santo Walk for a Cure for Diabetes

For the past month or so I have been drafting letters and emails to friends and family to support me in the Ron Santo Walk. The funds go to The Juvenile Research Foundation or JDRF. I stated in my letter that diabetes is a devastating disease that affects millions of people--a large number of them are children. JDRF set a goal of $86 million for research. WE NEED A CURE!!

Today, I was joined by my son Jeff, my sweetheart Rad, and my two awesome friends, Barbara and Michael. Together we walked at the Lisle location. It was so heartwarming to see all the people that turned out in support. Many of the walkers were children and many of those children are diabetics wanting a chance at living a normal life. WE NEED A CURE!!

Today, we walked in memory of Paul and in hope for a cure for my niece Jill. My niece has faced the challenges of diabetes since she was 11 years old. She is on dialysis, has hypertension along with other medical conditions. She had a stroke this year and now she has to face the possibility of losing a leg. No one should have to face so many challenges in life. WE NEED A CURE!!!

At the walk site today I was able to turn in my collections which totalled $1,400.00. I am very pleased that I am able to do my part in raising dollars and I pray that a cure for diabetes is close at hand. It is too late for my son Paul, but not for the millions that are devastated by this disease and not too late for Jill.
WE NEED A CURE!!!

I am not finished raising money. I have more donations that are coming in and I hope I can exceed my goal of $2,000.00. If anyone should read this, you can see my personal web page, just copy and paste on the link below and while you are there go ahead and give a little or a lot!! WE NEED A CURE
MY deepest thanks to all who have given in support in the fight to find a cure.

Karen

My Brief Rainbow

In September 2002, "My Brief Rainbow" was sent to me from The Compassionate Friends at the West Kentucky "Forget-Me-Not Chapter. It was sent on Paul's birthday.

Today is Paul's birthday. It is an emotional and difficult time. I brought this subject up once at a TCF meeting and everyone agrees that is the case. We also find that the days leading to our child's birthday or anniversary date is more difficult than the actual day itself.

Last year me and Rad, Paul's Godmother, Susie, her husband Greg, all went out for dinner and we celebrated Paul's birthday. Tonight we are going to do the same. I am hoping that Jeff can join us too.

I am thankful that I have the love of friends and family to support me on this day. I am also thankful for Rad's love which has helped me to get through the difficult times. Today I post "My Brief Rainbow" in Loving Remembrance of



Paul Scott Whitney




My Brief Rainbow


Rainbows appear only on dreary rainy days.
They beautify the world for a few brief moments.
These moments, however, can be spectacular.
You were my brief rainbow.

You entered my life
And stayed for but a short while.
Nonetheless, the memories of those moments
When you blessed us with laughter and delight.

Joy and smiles, charm and beauty.
Gaiety and happiness.
Mischief and silliness, sunlight and moonbeams
Giggles and love (ad infinitum)….

Made the deluge, the tears of pain and anger.
Helplessness and fear, insanity and agony.
Sadness and heartbreak, emptiness and loneliness
Bearable.

Rainbows however brief
Make the world a brighter, lovelier place.
How grateful I am that I had you.
My brief rainbow.



By Peggy Kocision
Albuquerque, New Mexico

Why Butterflies?

Butterflies are the symbol for The Compassionate Friends

When we went to visit the cemetery where Paul is buried, there were many butterflies on the flowers next to his headstone. It was a beautiful sight to behold and eased the sadness and reality of why we were there.

The piece below was from an article I found.

Since early times, the butterfly has symbolized renewed life. The caterpillar signifies life here on earth; the cocoon, death, and the butterfly, the emergence of the dead into a new, beautiful and freer existence. Frequently, the butterfly is seen with the word "Nika", which means victory. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross movingly tells of seeing butterflies drawn all over the walls of the children's dormitories in the World War II concentration camps. Since Elisabeth believes in the innate intuitiveness of children, she concludes that these children knew their fate and were leaving us a message. Many members of the Compassionate Friends embrace the butterfly as a symbol and a sign of hope to them that their children are living in another dimension with greater beauty and freedom which is a comforting thought to many.

The Sun's Rays

Jeff had read or heard somewhere that when you see the sun's rays in the sky, that those rays are the souls of the departed ascending into heaven. Such a comforting thought.

Quotes and Verses from the South Suburban Chapter of TCF Newsletter

If their song is to continue, we must do the singing.

Memories help keep close to us the times that mean the most to us.

Grief and pain are the price we humans have to pay for the love and total commitment we have for another person. The more we love, the more we are hurt when we lose the object of our love. But if we are honest with ourselves, would we have it any other way?

SOMETIMES

Sometimes something clicks,
And with a tear
Rememberance of the pain
And the loneliness
Flood the heart.

Sometimes something clicks,
And with a smile
Rememberance of the love
And the laughter
Flood the senses.

And there are times
When nothing clicks at all,
and a voice echoes
Through the emptimess
And numbness
Never finding the person
Who used to fill that space.

And sometimes
The most special time of all,
A feeling ripples through your
Body, heart and soul
That tells you
That person never left you,
And he's right there with you
Through it all.


--Kristen Hansen,
TCF, Kentfield, CA

Mementos.......We Save The Craziest Things!!!!!

One topic I remember having at a TCF (The Compassionate Friends) meeting took me by surprise.I'm not even sure how it got started but it escalated with parents chiming in saying they thought that they were the only ones who were crazy. We thought we were crazy because we saved the strangest things that belonged to our child, grandchild or sibling that had passed away. For example in my case, these are the items I have saved that are Paul's:

1. A 2 liter bottle of diet Dr. Pepper.
2. A roll of garbage bags.
3. A package of wax paper.
4. A coffee cup filled with loose change.
5. His checkbook and cancelled checks.
6. An Amtrak train ticket.
7. His name tag from work.
8. A fanny pack where he kept his diabetic supplies.


There is lots of things of Paul's I cannot part with which are too numerous to mention, there are two of his jackets I can't part, with along with all his baseball caps. Some of the caps I gave to his best friends and one I keep on my antique hall tree, the rest are in a box. Speaking of boxes he had one that he wrote on that said "Don't touch, might explode" and he wrote his call letters, PSW 9368 (he was a wanna be disc jockey). He had saved a very small pillow from his childhood which now I am saving. My other son has Paul's collection of baseball cards, along with countless CD's, his baseball glove when he played little league, his wallet and drivers license.

My point in sharing this, is to let anyone who has lost a loved one, know that you are not crazy, abnormal or obsessed. You are a parent, grandparent or sibling who is clinging to "things" that hold precious memories of your loved one. With that in mind you must remember TCF's motto:

Remember: "We Need not Walk Alone"

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
That I'd see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.


If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.


If I knew it would be the last time
I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would video tape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.


If I knew it would be the last time,
I could spare an extra minute
to stop and say "I love you,"
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.


If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.


For surely there's always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.


There will always be another day
to say "I love you,"
And certainly there's another chance
to say our "Anything I can do?"


But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
I'd like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.


Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
And today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.


So if you're waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
you'll surely regret the day,


That you didn't take that extra time
for a smile, a hug, or a kiss
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.


So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
Tell them how much you love them
and that you'll always hold them dear


Take time to say "I'm sorry,"
"Please forgive me," "Thank you," or "It's okay."
And if tomorrow never comes,
you'll have no regrets about today.

Eskimo Legend

I had to go to a Hallmark store to buy a sympathy card. I, unfortunately, became an "expert" on what I considered a card should express. In my opinion a card should have a sincere and appropriate sentiment. I liked this card so much, that I bought it for myself!!

Perhaps they are not the stars,
but rather openings in Heaven
Where the love of our lost ones
pour through
And shines down upon us,
to let us know they are happy.