Looking for answers

I mentioned that I was looking for answers on Paul's care by his doctor. I tried to get Paul's medical records and couldn't without going to a lawyer. In fact, I did see one and he passed me on to some other lawyer. It was too much for me to deal with alone so I simply gave up. One, because I was afraid of what I'd find out, and two, even if I possibly had recourse, nothing would bring my son back to me.

I later found out that it is not uncommon not to check for heart disease, if there are no symptoms. If Paul had them he did not share it with me or his friends.

I was disturbed to find out that Paul told his best friend, Jeff Klotz, that Paul felt that he would be lucky if he made to be 35. I don't know why Paul would say that, if it was a premonition or he knew something that he chose not to share. I will never know.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Sometime in June (this is 8 months after Paul died) I thought even though I had the autopsy report and found out that Paul had heart disease I had questions why this wasn't noticed by his doctor. Paul was going to a clinic and I was worried that perhaps they weren't thorough enough; this clinc was free for those who were employed and unable to afford health insurance. I talked to my doctor, who had once helped Paul. I wanted to know if they should have been looking for heart disease and he said not necessarily. While I was asking these questions I could not stop crying and my doctor asked me if I did a lot of crying. I was taken back by this question, of course I was, my son died. He then proceeded to write a script for Zoloft and said perhaps I needed counseling. I went through a program at work and scheduled an appointment with a counsler.

I was apprehensive about taking Zoloft, but I thought perhaps it would help me. I stayed on the drug for one week and I hated it. I felt absolutely nothing while taking it, I didn't cry but then I didn't laugh either, I was numb and felt nothing. Although the instructions said not to stop taking the drug without checking with the doctor, I stopped taking it. As for the counseling that was a joke, all she could concentrate on was that I was having a couple of beers every day and she labeled me an alcoholic.


What is wrong me? The doctor says I am depressed, the counselor says I am an alcoholic.I knew they were wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it, later I did. I was misdiagnosed....... I came to the conclusion that.... I was grieving. My child died, there is nothing wrong with me.

It is very important to know that there is no right or wrong was to grieve, there is no time limit on when you should "get better". More important, you are not crazy.You cannot compare yourself to others. You heal at your own pace. You can learn from others especially at Compassionate Friends on how to do this.

You must learn to be "Gentle with yourself".

Inappropriate Remarks

A mother who lost her child wrote a list to the late Ann Landers about hurtful and insensitive remarks that are encountered by the bereaved. I'd like to pass this list on here in my blog.

PLEASE-- don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be "over it".
PLEASE-- don't tell me he is in a better place.
He isn't here.
PLEASE-- don't say at least he isn't suffering
I haven't come to terms with why he had to
suffer at all.
PLEASE-- don't tell me you know how I feel,
unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE-- don't tell me to get on with my life
I'm still here I noticed.
PLEASE-- don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that "clears up"
PLEASE-- don't tell me God never makes a mistake.
You mean he did this to me on purpose?
PLEASE-- don't tell me at least you had him for
31 years. What year you would you choose for your
child to die.
PLEASE-- don't tell me God never gives you more
than you can bear. Who decides how much another
person can bear?

PLEASE-- just say you are sorry.
PLEASE-- just remember him if you do.
PLEASE-- just let me talk if I want to.
PLEASE-- just let me cry when I must.

I want to add two of "my own" remarks that I find insensitive.

ONE-- don't ask me "what was his name?".
his name didn't die with him, he had a life
and his name and his memory will always remain.

TWO-- dont tell me that I "must let him go"
You can eventually find peace, but you never
let go. Your child is a part of you.

One more thing, this next remark isn't inappropriate but relates to what a bereaved parent experiences. People have often said " I don't know how you do it" I think most bereaved parents would answer that we don't know either. We don't have a choice, we take each day one at a time.

Losing Friendships

After the death of a loved one you find out who are your friends and who are not. Sometimes this happens right away, and sometimes it takes a few months, even a year and more, but it happens. I know because it happened to me.

I do want to say that I value, appreciate, and love my dear friends who have been at my side. They are the old friends who knew and loved Paul, and the new ones who never had the chance to meet him. You know who you are.

To those that could not wait for me to "get better" or chose not to stay by my side, we could not have lost a friendship because there wasn't one to lose. This next verse is for you.

No Greater Pain

I know you mean well but you don't understand
There are no words to explain .......
Although on the surface I may appear fine,
Remember, I buried a child of mine
And there is no greater pain.

Grief is a taboo in our civilized world,
I despise this hideous game.
I must smile while going insane.
For God's sake, a part of me died,
You can't imagine how often I've cried
And there is no greater pain.

If I look well or laugh when you joke,
You think I'm my old self again
I'm raw inside, a shell of me,
The woman you knew can no longer be ...
And there is no greater pain.

Look deep in my eyes, acknowledge my loss
As my heart beats its hollow refrain.
I'm caught in a web of infinite whys
I'll mourn, for my son 'till the rest of me dies
And there is no greater pain.

Mother's Day

Oh, how I hated seeing all the advertisements on television and at the stores reminding us that Mother's Day was approaching. I'd turn off the TV, I'd look the other way. Why oh why did there have to be constant reminders that Mother's Day was going to be here, but Paul was not. This isn't a celebration, this is a time to mourn. Yes, I have another son and he means the world to me but my world was not complete my other son was gone.

It was a difficult day to get through then and will be again on May 8th of this year. I will do as I always do, first to think of Paul,read the last beautiful card that he gave me and then I will spend the rest of the day with Jeff and Rad (he is the wonderful man that came into my life last year, more about him later).

I have learned, especially in that first year, that the anticipation of a holiday, birthday, or any other important date is actually worse than the day itself. I believe that this is an important observation for a bereaved parents preservation. I learned this with help from another bereaved parent from Compassionate Friends. I will explain more about Compassionate Friends later but there is a link to it in this blog.

The Sweetest Angel

I would be remiss in not mentioning a poem written for me and in memory of Paul by a friend of his. Her name is Melody Holt and she lives in Metropolis. She wrote this soon after he died.

"The Sweetest Angel"

In the midst of all your pain and fears,
God will come to wipe away your tears.
And when your heart's lonely and downcast,
God will comfort you, He won't let it last.
In this painful loss,
Look at Jesus cross,
Remember he's not gone forever,
Someday we'll all be together.
Just think, Heaven is better now,
They have the sweetest Angel ever found.
And now, when you feel all alone, and like no one cares,
Please remember, you're in my thoughts,
and all of my prayers.

The Autopsy

One week before Christmas I received the report of the autopsy. You might recall at the time of Paul's death I really wasn't sure what the cause was. I thought he had an insulin reaction. I was very wrong, Paul died of a massive heart attack, the left ventricle was 90% blocked. I had no idea that Paul had heart disease. Yes, I do know that it is a complication from diabetes but I never suspected. The second cause was hypertension and then lastly diabetes. My questions were finally answered, it didn't make it any easier to accept Paul's death.

NEW YEAR

The new year comes
when the world is ready
for changes, resolutions--
great beginnings,

For us, to whom
that stroke of midnight means
a missing child remembered,
for us the new year comes
more like another darkness.

But let us not forget
that this may be the year
when love and hope and courage
find each other somewhere
in the darkness
to lift their voice and speak:
let there be light.

by Sascha
from the Sorrow and the Light

The Holidays and First's

Since I work at a casino, the hours there are 24/7, holidays included. It is impossible to request time off for them, even under extenuating circumstances. It was to be my first holiday without Paul and I had to work. In a way I thought it might be best to keep my mind off him and to keep busy. It didn't quite work out that way, but somehow I made it through the day. After I got home I called at my niece's house where I knew the whole family would be, celebrating Thanksgiving and my great niece's birthday. It didn't go well, I cried when I talked to my sister and then with my son Jeff, after I got off the phone with them I never felt so alone, a feeling that was going to stay with me for quite a long, long time. That was the first holiday hurdle to get through.

With the Christmas season approaching, I decided that I would not and did not want to get a tree and decorate. I knew I had to go Christmas shopping but my heart was not in it. I could not find the joy that I saw in others while preparing for the holidays. I was envious, I wanted to be a part of the celebration but there was nothing for me to celebrate, my son died two months ago. To make matters even worse, I received the autopsy report a week before Christmas.

Again, since I had to work the holiday, I went home and we "celebrated" the week before Christmas. Another first, Christmas without Paul.

New Year's Eve was especially hard. I was encouraged by Rhonda, her husband and our mutual friend Chandra to go out to dinner. Afterwards we went to Rhonda's house to ring in the New Year. The anticipated 2000 was here and all I could think of was how Paul was supposed to DJ at the American Legion. I couldn't control my tears and sadness,I felt so bad that I was ruining every one's holiday. I should have stayed at home.

So now the holidays are finally over and I could go back to "normal" everyday living. I had survived the firsts somehow, but I knew there were more to come.

HOPE

My sister and I were in touch constantly, I told her of my sadness and pain and that my life was so empty and that I didn't think that I could ever smile again. It wasn't long after that she sent me a Hallmark card which gave me comfort it goes like this:

Hope is a happiness
held in the heart
When happiness
seems to be gone.
Hope is a quiet joy
deep within
Encouraging us to go on.
Hope is a guide
when we seem to be lost
That can help us
in finding our way.
Hope is a strong,
immovable force
That our doubts and fears
cannot sway.
Hope is a light
that burns in the night
In a place where
a miracle starts,
And every good thing
will come in its time...
As long as there's hope
in our hearts.

The verse inside says:

May you find what you need
to bring out the hope
in your heart--
something to make you
smile again.

Returning to work

Somehow I knew after Jeff left to go back home, I needed to return to work. When I did my co-workers were wonderful, expressing their sympathy and caring, even some of the customers who knew me well. (I don't believe I mentioned that I worked in a casino in Metropolis). It was very difficult to concentrate on my job, my every thought was of Paul. The sadness I felt was overwhelming. I thought that I was destined to feel this way for the rest of my life. I couldn't laugh or enjoy anything. Customers would irritate me when they complained of losing their money and I wanted to say to them "try losing a son". I couldn't wait for the day to be over so I could be at home and then when I was home, I didn't want to be there either, I wondered what the big rush was. I'd sit on my front porch and stare into the sky and picture my son there in heaven. When going to work I would pass the first place he lived at. One day, I sat in my car in front of his little house and pictured him there in each room, recalling happier times. I broke down in tears and then I had to go to work! It wasn't unusual for me to break down at any time. There was one time at work that I'll never forget. I saw a young man that resembled Paul. I broke down in tears and had to leave the floor. My supervisor talked to me and asked me if I never thought that would happen, I looked at her and told her I honestly didn't think it would. I know better now.

To this day, whenever I see a young man with a cap on backwards, I think of Paul, especially if this young man should resemble Paul just a little!!

"No Tears"

Whenever Jeff would come down for a visit, there would be tearful goodbyes. Paul and I hated to see Jeff leave and I suppose we both secretly wished he would move down here with us, but we knew it would never happen. It was hard on all of us to say goodbye, after all we are close and it is "the three of us". Paul would become very emotional, so Jeff would tell him each time "no tears" we will see each other again soon. We even got to where we would laugh cause Jeff would give us warning looks.

It was time for Jeff to leave and go back home, we tried not to think about it, because when Jeff left, I would truly be alone.

We went to the cemetery so Jeff could say goodbye to his brother.

At my house, Jeff and I knew that we would break the rule of "no tears".

A Verse From Sasha

Hold Me



I want to cry.
Just sometime, let me cry.
Do not demand
that constant smile from me.

I know you are
uneasy with my tears.
I need to cry.
Please, do not turn away.

I promise you
that I will smile again.
Tomorrow I will be as light as air.

But hold me now
and let my sorrow be.
Just for today,
this moment: let me cry.

Paul's possessions

On Tuesday, we set out getting boxes to pack up all of Paul's belongings. Some people are given time before they are faced with having to deal with this painful task but we were not allowed that time.Paul was renting his place so we had to pack up all his possessions, and Jeff and Dawn needed to return back to their respective homes and jobs.

When we arrived at Paul's place, there was a kitten by the door. Paul had been feeding her and so we brought her into the house and fed her. Now, as I recall these events I believe finding this sweet kitten added some comfort to our difficult task. The time spent at his house brought us so many emotions, from sad to the bittersweet. I had a hard time walking into his bedroom for the first time since I found him, it was hard for all of us. I tried not to picture him lying there but it was impossible. Jeff sent me to the kitchen to start there and he took care of his bedroom. Like I said it was mixed emotions, we commented on how Paul was, to put it mildly, not very neat, so there was some cleaning up to do, besides packing. We were to discover how much of a pack rat Paul was!!! There were newspaper clippings from the Chicago Bulls and more, but the one that got us to laughing was that he saved a clipping from the front page news when Elvis died, Paul was only 8 years old !!!! The most precious of his possessions was his collection of baseball cards. We recalled how he packed them so carefully in so many of our moves. Jeff is the keeper of those precious baseball cards now.

On Friday we were finished with the packing and cleaning. We were going back to my house to meet our friend Donna who was driving in from Texas to be with us. I tried to discourage her from making such a trip, but she insisted. In the meantime, I turned around to take a last look at Paul's place. This place that brought him so much joy and me so much sadness. Then I spotted Paul's stray kitten, I couldn't leave her behind, so I scooped her up into my arms and told her I was bringing her home with us. When we arrived Donna was there waiting for us, it was funny how she brought this ray of sunshine or was it hope at this particular time. First thing we did was to bring her to the cemetary. Did I mention it is just up the road from my house? The next day we all went to The Garden of the Gods and out for dinner in Golconda. Just doing this brought back normalcy into our lives. Normalcy might not be the right word, life has its beginning, middle, and end.Perhaps, it's just that death is not something you face daily. Today, I don't dwell so much on Paul's death, but his life. Trust me, that did not happen overnight, his death and the unbearable pain took time to ease.

The following day Donna left to return back home, but she wasn't alone, she adopted

"Miss Kitty".

After the funeral .....

.....friends and family came to my home for food and a much needed drink (me included). It was good to have everyone near to keep my mind off of the finality of the morning. I remember holding Rosie my great niece who was nearly a year old, my sister commenting on a beautiful Mother's Day card from Paul. Was it just 5 months ago that he gave it to me? The verse was so appropriate relating to our circumstances (being a single parent), that I kept it where I could see it everyday (today it is on my dresser). (I was to find out soon how many things I would hold on to that were Paul's). My niece's Jackie and Jill along with my son Jeff, were looking at my picture albums, recalling the years of growing up together. My dear friend Sue, Paul's Godmother, and her husband Greg were there giving support. It wouldn't be long though before everyone was to leave. At the end of the day, Jeff and his wife to be, retired to the spare bedroom, and I was alone with my tears.

The next day I met my sister Rose and her husband Jack for breakfast in town before they were to leave back to Chicago. We stopped at the cemetery before they left for a final goodbye. Jeff met his half sister Heather and her husband before they were to leave for Ohio. Again, we were left alone, now everyone was to return back to their daily routine. For Jeff and I our routine would be on hold.

My sister's gift

I didn't realize it that day but my sister Rose was to start my journey to healing by reading the following verse at the cemetery. I am eternally grateful for her love and caring and strength.

Do not stand by my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am a diamond glint of snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starshine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry.
I am not there.
I did not die.

October 29, 30, and 31

On the 29th Jeff and I had to go to the funeral home to make all the arrangements along with the music to be played on the day of the funeral. I picked Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven" because it would be the closest to the music that Paul would want,although knowing Paul, he would have chosen "Spirit in the Sky". Then we had to go to the florist to pick out the flowers. Later it seems that all the things that had to be done were kind of mechanical,it's similar to that numbness that you go through. That numbness protects you from the reality of what is really going on and what you eventually have to face for the rest of your life.

I will never forget that feeling on Saturday the 30th when we walked into the funeral home. I would have to see my son for the first time since I found him. I didn't want to walk in there, I didn't want to see my son lying in a casket. My God this isn't real, this can't be happening, this is all a very bad dream, this was all I could think. My sister took hold of me and we started to walk into the room, I remember holding back, but she nudged me on.

On Sunday the 31st, my son was laid to rest, I would never get to see him again or touch him, how could God take my beautiful son away from me. A parent is not supposed to bury her child. My heart was breaking, being ripped from me, there was such an emptiness inside, a part of me had died along with Paul.

A Gentle Thought for the Day

When someone you love becomes a memory,
the memory becomes a treasure.

First Encounter

When grief first enters our life,
it tends to invade us -
completely and relentlessly.
We are without comfort, we do not feel pleasure,
we find no joy.
We ache in mind and body.
We feel weak and numb.
In the deepest core of our being:
we are ready to accept
that we will never know happiness again.
What's more, we feel this state
is entirely appropriate, natural and irreversible.
Nothing can convince us that,
given time,
we can learn to live again.

But we will.

---Sascha

Today's blog is in Loving Memory of my mother, Catherine James, who was laid to rest on this day in 1967.

Lucid Dreams

In 2004 I awoke after having a dream. (You must keep in mind that I normally do not remember my dreams). Paul was here, standing right in front of me and I was looking right into his eyes. I touched his hair,then his face, and before I knew it he was gone. I woke and did not feel fear or sadness, perhaps it was wonder, maybe peace, but I do know that it was truly real.

I told my friend Barbara about my dream and she said that it sounded like a lucid dream. I didn't know much about lucid dreams and looked it up on the web. After reading about it, I do believe that it was. Barbara said she believes that Paul was letting me know that he was allright and not to worry. I believe that too and I think that Paul needed me to be at peace.

I would like to have more of these dreams so I can be with Paul again.